Life's way too short!

By Kerryn Vaughan

1st February 2021

Today is the 18th anniversary of my younger sister leaving this life. She was just 33, and at the time of her passing she left behind twin boys aged 7, and a little girl aged 4.

This article isn’t about being a victim or a ploy for sympathy. It’s a wake up call to all of us.

Why do we continue to live mediocre lives? Maybe we live a life that we believe to be successful, but that success is measured by the expectations or values of somebody else, or maybe we just don’t feel the buzz despite having all the material things surrounding us. 

More so, why do some of us continue to zombie our way through a life that makes us unhappy? 

I’m not posing these questions because I wonder if this is happening. I’m putting it out there, front and centre, because I KNOW it’s happening.

Don’t we realise how precious this life is? Every single day that passes, we can never have it back.

Have I struck a chord? Have I given you a pang in the heart? Are you thinking this is too heavy and you might just close the page? Don’t do that! Have the courage to sit it in for a few minutes and decide what matters to you, simply because you are worth it.

I would give anything to have my sister back, but no matter how hard I might wish for that it will never happen. The opportunity is gone.

We must decide what matters and pursue that with every last ounce of energy we can muster.

We can’t sit on the sidelines and play small. We can’t bash our way through each day making somebody else happy but suffering ourselves. We can’t keep saying “I wish I could…”. Just do that damn thing!

Yesterday I saw that a friend of mine passed away over the weekend. She was only in her 40’s. She was incredible and dedicated her entire life to speaking out against animal abuse. Because of her, thousands of cats and other animals have been spared cruel and torturous experimentation.

She was also the very person who helped catapult one of my songs to the world stage. She saw something in me that I couldn’t see, and still I didn’t truly pursue that dream with all I could have. She changed many lives, she was a hero, and she made her life count.

I also talked to another lady last week who lost her sister to cancer. She was reflecting on this because right now she is the same age her sister was when she was given her diagnosis.

Her reflection was, that if her sister had to go through losing her life, then why is she worrying about little things like fear of not putting her work out there. Especially when her work helps people to get their message out and make a better world.

A few weeks ago I interviewed Trav Bell, The Bucket List Guy. His motto is ‘Life’s too short!’. Too right it is Trav! Way too short! Trav inspires people to get some things on a bucket list and go do them!

What’s that thing you want to do?

What’s stopping you?

Speaking of what’s stopping you, in my many years of helping people to get off the bench in various ways, there are 5 things that always come up as roadblocks.

• Self-doubt

• Imposter Syndrome

• Overwhelmed by the big picture

• Not knowing where to start

• Fear of: failure, rejection, criticism

I covered self doubt in last week’s blog, so in the coming weeks I’ll dig deeper into the others and give you some great tips to overcome them. But also consider that sometimes you just have to go around them.

Many people have also told me they don’t know what really lights them up. My answer to that? Just try a bunch of things. You’ll soon work out what makes you feel good and what doesn’t. And don’t wait to be perfect - there’s no such thing!

If you want to sing karaoke - do it!

If you want to play guitar - do it!

If you want to fly a drone - do it!

If you want to travel for 3 months - do it!

If you want to have a go at a side hustle - do it!

Start living your life the way you want to from this very moment. Right here, right now! 

If you haven’t already, download my guide ‘6 steps to kickstarting your idea’.

And for God’s sake, have fun!

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast.

Kerryn is also a DISC ADVANCED® accredited consultant.

Try this simple process to alleviate self-doubt

By Kerryn Vaughan

25th January 2021

When I was a kid, all I wanted to be was a rockstar. The thought of being on a massive stage performing to thousands gave me the biggest buzz.

But in my mid-teenage years, that buzz turned to blood freezing horror. I lived in a small country town where everybody knew everybody, and if someone decided to tell a story about you, the whole town heard it. That didn’t leave much room for doing something embarrassing that you wouldn’t want to be reminded about for years to come.

I was 15, I was the guitarist (not a great one) for a band that had only formed a few weeks before and we’d rehearsed maybe 4 times. We had a female singer, who decided to quit the night before our very first gig. Let me be clear here - we were not good!

Upon receiving the news that she would not be singing the next night, the boys turned to me and said “You’ll have to sing, you’re a girl”. Wait! What? Me? I can’t sing! Just because I’m a girl doesn’t mean I can sing. I was terrified!

The next night my Dad loaded all of us and our gear into his station wagon and drove us to the local pub. We played. I sang. It was awful! We even had people throw money at us, and while I’d love to think it was out of appreciation, I really think it was their way of begging us to stop.

This experience bore absolutely no resemblance to the ‘on-stage’ fantasy I’d held so preciously, but regardless, self-doubt and all, I did it! I moved though the fear. It wasn’t great, but I came out the other end having achieved the thing I doubted I could pull off.

We often feel like we’re the only ones suffering these frightening thoughts and feelings, and we so easily convince ourselves that everybody around us absolutely has their shit together.

The truth is, very few people actually DO have their shit together. Self-doubt plagues all of us and we become masters of excuses and inaction, to our own detriment, and very often to the detriment of others. They miss out on the magic you can bring!

I went on to entertain thousands over the years, and I did reach a point where I strutted the big stage and commanded the vibe and excitement of the crowds.

But had I not pushed through all those years ago, those same people would never have had the pleasure of those moments of being completely free and ‘in the zone’.

The process…

Think about the things you’ve achieved in the past.

• Getting your drivers licence

• Giving a presentation

• Paying that first bill online

• Figuring out how to use a smart phone

• Submitting your first assignment

• Learning a computer program

This list could be a mile long.

There are 3 stages we need to move through when achieving a task.

Before, during, and after.

It’s very likely the thing you are having self-doubt feelings or beliefs about is something you consider to be big and not just something as simple as hanging out the washing.

If you do have something big on your mind, try this process and hopefully it will bring an entirely new perspective about self-doubt and whether it sits within the realm of genuine reality or perceived reality. 

For the sake of this exercise, think of one thing you’ve achieved in the past and really get into the zone.

1. How did you feel in the lead up to doing this thing?

2. How did you feel while doing this thing?

3. How did you feel after this thing? Once it was achieved?

It may have looked something like this…

Before: self-doubt / fear - OMG I have no idea how, or if I can do this.

During: Oh, this isn’t too bad - I’m getting there.

After: Wow, I did it! I feel incredible!

Most big things start with self-doubt, but by reminding yourself of this process whenever confronted with these crippling feelings, there’s every chance you’ll breeze through it.

So, what’s the next big thing you’re now ready to achieve?

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast.

Kerryn is also a DISC ADVANCED® accredited consultant.

How to stop monkey mind and unlock your creativity

By Kerryn Vaughan

19th January 2021

So, here we are in 2021 facing yet another year of uncertainty. We all vowed this year would be better than last, and for us in Australia, Covid seemed to have moved its little butt on.

We made New Year's resolutions with confidence. But by now most of those resolutions have started to fizzle, and particularly around food intake as we realise we’re in for the long haul whether we like it or not. 

Last year we all refused to believe the pandemic would deeply impact us. Well, at least for the first few weeks. Then suddenly we realised this wasn't something that would be resolved in a few weeks, and not even in a few months. Some of us knew deep down it was likely to be two or more years. 

We then crazily threw ourselves into a frantic search for how we could do things differently, while at the same time accepting the situation we couldn't change. The word ‘pivot’ became the most used word on earth, then very quickly the most despised!

But now, as we've hit the new year, we need to go way beyond pivoting and all the dreaded emotions that go with it. We need to find some acceptance and slow down our frantic rampaging. 

So many of us have wound ourselves up so much that if we release the spring suddenly, we’ll fling to some far-off corner of the planet and face-plant the ground like never before!

We’ve been head down and bum up for the entire year, trying to frantically unhinge that emergency boat from the shed roof, work out where we should aim it, try to decipher a foreign map and the instruction manual, while simultaneously navigating 3 metre waves, AND somehow adjust those heavy damn sails!

Frankly, most of us have experienced burnout from trying so hard to manage the change, stay upright and cheery, and play constant catch up. My 8 ball went down the drain the minute travel was cancelled, but it gave me a good realisation kick in the butt that I was relying too heavily on one area of work. 

By the end of 2020, I was completely exhausted. It was as if my right brain had completely deserted me and jumped on a plane to Bora Bora, leaving my left brain to sit and stare at the screen with only enough energy to mindlessly scroll. 

Unable to articulate where I was heading and exactly what my precise niche was, despite being extensively familiar with what I specialise in, that negative, chatty monkey mind started giving me hell.

I know I’m not alone with this, and I’ve watched too many crash and burn because they have been trying to pretend they were A-OK, and ‘on top’ of their game. I just don’t understand why we feel we need to do that. Nevertheless, let’s move on…

For the last few weeks of the year I battled with thoughts of defeat and even considered finding a mindless job working for somebody else. Again, I know we’ve all been there!

But there’s something about the entrepreneurial spirit, the optimist, that just won’t let you go there. That spirit that’s always breaking its neck trying to peek around the next corner truly believing the next big thing is about to reveal itself in an electrifying display of hypnotic fireworks.

So we keep pressing on…

When I finally found some downtime over the Christmas break, I recognised that it was nothing more than pure burnout. My right brain had indeed gone on holidays because that's exactly where it needed to be. I didn't have a creative bone left in my body. Not one fancy word!

No blogs, no content, no jokes, no newsletters - nothing!

Still with me? Good! Because this is where it gets better.

Almost out of nowhere, everything changed. By accident, I stumbled upon a mindless little app called Happy Color.

For a bit of fun, I downloaded it and completed a couple of pics. The first was fun. The second was fun. The third was boring. The fourth morphed into mindless scrolling, but by the time I was doing the fifth and sixth, I noticed something happening with my mind.

I started dreaming up a bunch of fantastic ideas. Suddenly words and ideas and concepts that I just couldn't find for the entirety of 2020, were flowing effortlessly through my mind and out my mouth. I’m not going to say my partner was loving it, but I was!

My creativity was back!!

Only because I gave myself permission to simply stop, and to engage in mindless activity. We hear so many things about mindfulness, taking time out, resting the mind, meditating and all those ‘in the moment’ things, but we rarely do it. 

We don’t have to sit there with our legs folded, fingertips touching and poised, and chanting OM over and over while the birds make a nest in our hair. The simple act of just surrendering and switching our brain off, colouring in or whatever else takes your fancy, also constitutes meditation. 

So this year, make a pact with yourself not to let the days fold into one big hairy ball that chokes your dreams. Find something mindless or mindful to do, and commit even a tiny slice of time each day to just stop. 

I’ve given myself permission to just sit with a cat on my lap and allow the creativity to flow, while enjoying the wonderful colours as they drop onto the screen as if my fingertips behold some kind of magical power. 

What will you give yourself permission to do?

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast

Kerryn is also a DISC ADVANCED® accredited consultant.

How will 2021 be different for you?

By Kerryn Vaughan

12th January 2021

I don’t know about you, but last year gave me the chance to stop and really think about what was important in my life. My list was quite long, but the highlights focused around owning my time more and not getting dragged into chasing shiny silver rabbits. I have a tendency to do that!

Essentially I want to do more of what matters to me.

All the work I do with people is to help them design their own life, or at the very least, show them it’s possible and that they have the power within to write their next chapter. Seems simple. But us humans are so steeped in negative thoughts and self talk, that we really struggle to take back the reigns and declare “this is my life and I will be the driver!”.

Why? Most often I hear things about ‘not wanting to rock the boat’ or ‘I can’t be bothered with the arguments’ or ‘god my mother would be mortified if I did what I wanted to’. 

There’s also the ‘yeah I do want to, but…’ and the reasons that follow are things to do with the partner, job, children, money etc.

Often, living the life you would love to design comes with the belief that to achieve this you must free fall off the cliff and abandon everything you have spent your life building. This couldn’t be further from the truth.

In fact, greater success comes from just taking small steps. Every time we take one tiny step and achieve success, we are motivated to take the next tiny step. Within a very short period of time we are walking to the beat of a much happier drummer, and things are changing around us. Things we didn’t even take action on. That’s how brilliant the magical energy of tiny steps is.

So what do you want to be different in 2021?

Do you want a new career, to be healthier, a better communicator, save more money, move home, build a home office, begin or master a hobby, start a side hustle, have more weekends away, get date nights back into the diary.

Maybe it’s improving a work partnership or a personal relationship. If this is high on your list, I have a fantastic psychometric tool in my bag of tricks that can have your communication and understanding of each other leaping to new heights in a very fast, affordable and fun way. So reach out and ask me about that if relationships is a priority for you this year.

In the end, nobody has the perfect life, and we all have something in mind we’d like to achieve or make better. So why not start 2021 doing this:

• Find 20 minutes to really imagine how you’d like your life to be

• Note the thing that would truly be a game changer for you

• Start moving towards it

Your teeny weeny starting point can be as simple as googling that topic to become more inspired. It might be telling somebody, or writing it down. These are the simplest of steps, but they are the most important. They are the tiny steps that start building momentum.

Maintaining momentum is just as simple. Spend as many 2 minute blocks in each day as possible, really FEELING how this new goal feels, and just keep moving in that direction.

I’d love to know what you’re taking action on! You can email me via my website kerrynvaughan.com

Today is the first day of the rest of your life - use it well!

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast

Kerryn is also a DISC ADVANCED® accredited consultant.

How being kind can actually save your life

By Kerryn Vaughan

13th November 2020

Today is World Kindness Day (Nov 13th) and people from all around the world will feel warm and fuzzy and find a way to undertake a random act of kindness (RAK). The feeling will be incredible and they may or may not tell anybody about it. Let’s face it, most of us are screaming inside to tell others what a great deed we did.

But often we don’t because we worry that people will criticise us for bragging, and in some cases we actually feel guilty that we had to wait for a dedicated day to do what we wish we had the motivation to do every day.

Often we think of the quick and easy pay-it-forward coffee, which is an incredible gift and truly brightens the day of the person receiving the love. But it doesn’t have to be something that costs money. Many people have been hit financially because of the pandemic, and on days like today the feeling of being disheartened is often amplified. We’d genuinely like to do something kind for others but we don’t think we can.

So here are a few ideas that are completely free:

• Cut some flowers and give them to a neighbour

• Text somebody to let them know you’re thinking of them

• Call somebody and check in

• Send an email to somebody telling them they are doing a great job

• Record a 30 second video for somebody and DM it to them

• Put a post on social media as a shout out to somebody for being awesome

• Take an elderly neighbour’s dog for a walk

• Offer to mow somebody’s lawn or weed their garden

• Bring the neighbour’s rubbish bin in

• Provide a free consultation

• Make an extra plate of dinner for an isolated neighbour

• Run somebody a bath

I am holding back a bit here because we’re still a little restricted with movement and access, but by now you can see there are plenty of options. I’m sure you could add a stack of things to this list within minutes.

The most simple action of all - just smile at somebody. It’s good for them but also good for you!

But how long will the kind acts last?

Will we continue to do kind things on a regular basis, or will it fizzle out because the dedicated day has come and gone?

What if being kind was actually helpful AND healthy? What if simply by being kind, you are increasing your lifespan. Well no more ‘what if’s’. Being kind really does help you live longer, so that in itself should be enough to motivate us to be kind as often as possible.

Now when I say ‘as often as possible’, we all know it’s near impossible to be walking around all day being happy with everything. That’s not realistic. Nor does it mean we should be fake nice and think that’s kindness. It isn’t!

I admit, I’m a firecracker. I really do crack it at times and while I could probably try a little harder to control myself, I often don’t. In my defense (OK I’m pushing it a bit now), almost all of my ‘cracking it’ episodes happen because I have seen somebody being unkind to somebody else. Yes that triggers me, and I let rip. Truth be told, I don’t even feel guilty! 

But ‘cracking it’ sessions aside (which we all have), being kind on a regular basis has a long list of health benefits.

Kindness does great things to your body!

Research has linked kindness to releases in oxytocin (the love hormone), dopamine (the feel good hormone), and serotonin (the mood regulator).

There’s also evidence that shows kindness increases energy, happiness, pleasure, and even lifespan. Equally important, kindness has been shown to decrease pain, stress, anxiety, depression and blood pressure.

The Greater Good Science Centre at UC Berkeley studies kindness, and Professor Dr. Dacker Keltner, says “As you practice kindness it shifts your nervous system and makes you healthier”.

These benefits are only the tip of the iceberg, but they are enough to show us that kindness is not a fluffy extra, and should be included in our every day actions. The good news is, kindness can be learned so this means it’s readily available to anybody who wishes to have a more meaningful life. That pretty much means everybody!

So there you have it - kindness can save your life, and may even save somebody else’s. There’s a good reason we are called ‘humankind’.

Here’s to a world filled to the brim with regular random acts of kindness.

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast

The world needs more champions - period!

By Kerryn Vaughan

13th September 2020

When COVID-19 started, many of us thought it was a very inconvenient thing that would last a few weeks, and then like the flu would be gone. In fact it was a bit of a novelty and had us glued to the screens like we were watching any other major natural disaster.

But then something happened. We all started to realise that this was not a small inconvenience, it wasn’t going away in the next few weeks. Or months. And now we are left wondering if this will ooze itself over years. 

There’s no escaping the fact that over the coming years it will have a profound ongoing impact economically, and will also cause horrendous strain on the already insufficient mental health system. Sadly, we just have to accept that and find a way to cope.

Then we started hearing things like ‘now more than ever…’. This call out attached itself to resilience, leadership, coping skills, IT, remote learning, remote working, resourcefulness - you name it! But my question is ‘why now more than ever?’.

If we look over history, there have been some really shitty things happen. Wars, other pandemics, terrorism, the holocaust - again the list goes on and on. These things induce a massive sense of urgency to ‘fix things’ so we can get back to our normal lives. They also induce a massive sense of chronic despair.

This time is no different - we just live in a different age of technology and logistics. This time we are suffering so badly with disconnection, yet we have never been so bombarded and surrounded by quick fix connection solutions - and let’s give a big shout out to Zoom!

Despite the immediacy of virtual connection (which I know isn’t the same as physical connection), daily I see suicide rate increases, videos on social media from friends confessing to not managing, and images of the horrid violence humans are inflicting on one another - all under the banner of ‘I can’t cope’.

So back to my question - Why ‘now more than ever’?

I’m going to target this question at stepping up and being a champion for others. Why do we wait for shit to go down - and I really do mean BIG shit!

Why does it take extreme adversity to make us act; to share our gifts with the world?

I was interviewing Rachel Dayoub yesterday for my Get Off The Bench podcast. Rachel set up a self defence initiative for women after she was stalked by two men and she feared for her life. You can hear that episode in October when she tells us about Whispering Force.

Sometimes we have a great idea to help others but don’t do it due to fear, self-doubt, not knowing where to start - you get the point. And sometimes we are confronted with a life-changing situation, and THEN we step up.

Now don’t get me wrong, this didn’t cross Rachel’s mind until she was confronted with it, so I think she did her part in a wonderful way. But some of us KNOW already there is a need to step up for others, and we don’t act. Why?

Why are we not champions every single day? Why do we say things like “Somebody should do something”. There is a great saying about that, and it finishes with - ‘Hang on, I am somebody - I should do something’.

We need champions, every single bloody day of every single week of every single month of every single year! So why not become one now?

Why are we always waiting for other people to step up, the whole time picking fault at those who do? 

Because we always believe that we don't have the power ourselves, or the skills, strengths, knowledge or capacity, to do it. And the one that grates me to the core - I’m not qualified!

Every single person has a champion within them, and every single person can make the world better for at least one other human being. Special people don’t make change - change happens when ordinary people step up to become the extraordinary person they have always been but didn’t know it or believe it.

So we don’t need champions ‘now more than ever’, we need more champions - period!

What will you do today that puts you back in control, and simultaneously creates a better world?

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast

Resilience - Are you on the wrong bike?

By Kerryn Vaughan

29th July 2020

How many times have you heard the word ‘resilience’ lately? I don’t know about you, but since the pandemic started I’ve heard or read it over and over - daily. In relation to the pandemic, I agree - if we don’t find some resilience the whole thing will very quickly get on top of us and we will surely suffocate. 

But what about aside from the pandemic?

What about life in general?

The Merriam-Webster dictionary gives the definition of resilience as: ‘an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change’.

I’m not convinced the majority of us can ‘adjust easily’, or quickly. But I do like the word ‘adjust’ and that it conjures up the idea of changing course. I’m not for a moment saying that life doesn’t throw us some curve-balls that are impossible to avoid and are often not of our own doing. For example, car accidents, illnesses that surprise us out of nowhere, or the sudden collapse of some financial stronghold we once had security in.

But more specifically I’m referring to the way we go about our lives, continually re-living patterns that just don’t serve us. Often we don’t even see that we’re doing that. We just put it down to ‘life’ and ‘it’s just the way it is’. This wears us incredibly thin over time.

For years we have heard people say things like 'stop being a sook’, 'don't give up’, 'hustle and grind’, ‘just give it another crack’ - almost demanding immediacy and urgency. Insinuating to some degree that when things don’t go our way or get too hard, we need to just suck it up and get on with it. Maybe even that we’re not trying hard enough or that we’re not tough enough. We are often way too quick to wildly wave the resilience umbrella. 

But do these things really help build resilience, or do they make us feel like a failure if we struggle to meet these obligations, expectations and demands? I don’t think I’m far from the mark suggesting that most of us interpret this as ‘I’m not good enough’.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for working hard, but there’s a distinct difference between working hard and hard work. Take for example a relationship. We should all commit to trying our hardest and doing ‘our bit’ to contribute, and at times we do have to push a little harder than other times. But, if a relationship is ‘hard work’, then maybe it’s the wrong relationship.

The same applies to our life. In a recent blog I talked about how we’re all too often pushing against a brick wall, exhausting ourselves, when the door is right there - just two feet away, and we miss it. The door that opens with the slightest touch. The door that is meant for us when the brick wall isn’t. When we are doing what we’re supposed to be doing and in the flow, doors open almost by magic.

So with this continual ‘brick wall pushing’ futility exhausting us, I wonder how many times we can just keep ‘getting up’ or feeling guilty and terrible about ourselves when we have nothing left in us and simply can’t ‘get up’. Why do we believe we have to keep punishing ourselves and pushing so hard against the odds?

The Cambridge Dictionary gives the definition of resilience as: ‘the ability to be happy, successful, etc. again after something difficult or bad has happened’.

This definition sits softer with me. It feels like there is no urgency - it seems to allow for vulnerability, reflection and growth. It has a feel of coming back bigger and better, but in a considered way rather than a forced or expected way. In a way that gives you the ok to stop for a while and allows you to fully consolidate the difficult things that have happened.

We are so busy rushing and grinding and hustling and pushing and expecting and judging and criticising and trying to prove ourselves, that we just don’t give ourselves the space to breathe. We deserve that! We owe it to ourselves to have self-compassion and self-kindness.

Sometimes we don’t have a choice in the moment and we have to get back up no matter what, but we do have a choice to reflect after the fact. We do have the choice to stop and get our breath back, and to consider how this event might shape us moving forward.

Let’s look at that age-old saying 'get back on your bike!'

Sometimes that’s exactly what we need to do - but not always.

When I was a kid learning to ride, my dad used to hold the seat while I balanced and if I fell off he said 'get back on'. In that context, 'the bike' and the whole getting back on it had some real merit. Aren't we all glad that somebody did say that to us?

I’ve been on so many pushbike adventures and had I not been encouraged to ‘get back on’ I would’ve missed out on all that magic.

However what about in the metaphorical sense? Why is it we sometimes don't want to get back up or back on?

Is it because we have self doubt? Is it because it's too hard and we’re just too lazy to keep trying? Or is it because we are simply on the wrong bike?

I don't know about you, but this has definitely happened to me. Relationships is the first thing that comes to mind! I’ve also tried to work in a government job and was greeted with so much resistance when I declared it wasn’t for me. ‘Just be resilient’ I was told, and ‘this is great for building resilience’.

Then comes the internal barrage of rationale:

• What if we keep getting back on the bike too quickly and we never reflect long enough to learn why we fell off?

• Although we do need to keep getting back on to practise so we get better

• And we shouldn’t stay off the bike long enough that we give fear the opportunity to put us off totally

• But what if we are on the wrong bike altogether?

Indeed, what if we are actually on the wrong bike? What if we’ve outgrown that trusty little trike?

Is the bike you’re continually trying to ‘get back on’ dodgy and wobbly or do the wheels seem buckled or does the chain seem clunky? If so, why?

Are you trying to prove something to somebody? Are you trying to meet somebody else's needs, or unrealistic expectations? Are you battling the dreaded 'I should'?

What if the whole while you’ve been riding the wrong bike, the right bike is leaning against the wall out in the shed gathering dust, or even worse, rust?

What would be the harm in stopping for a short time just to reflect and consider the possibility of another bike?

What if that other bike was so much easier to ride but you'll never know because you keep crashing and getting frustrated with the dodgy one?

The next time things are so bloody hard and you feel like you don't have anymore to give, ask yourself 'am I actually on the right bike?’.

Maybe the dragster is way more your style than the BMX. Maybe it's time to give yourself a break, start from scratch, and get yourself a brand new bike. 

That’s what I’m doing and it feels great!

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast

What colour are your wings?

By Kerryn Vaughan

11th July 2020

When was the last time you took the time out to soul search and ask yourself if now’s a good time for some deep, even confronting growth? If you’re anything like me you’ll say it was years ago, maybe even never!

I spend a lot of time reflecting on things and like to grow as a result, but there’s something much deeper and darker about getting right down deep into our soul.

For years I’ve been doing amazing things and I feel so honoured to have been able to make a difference in so many lives. But despite my long list of achievements, something was missing.

I have finally landed myself in an incredible relationship where I can breathe in my own space, without the need to succumb to the expectations of somebody else. I know and appreciate how extremely lucky I am to be in this situation, and while it shouldn’t be, it is rare.

But with this ‘perfect’ situation came a nagging sense of frustration. Not because of the situation itself, but because I had the space to truly contemplate on a much deeper level. I started noticing that my spark was going out and I was constantly feeling like I was pushing a heavy weight up a hill - actually a mountain!

Why was I so grumpy when I was making so much incredible change?

I have, on many occasions in the past, sought advice from individuals on specific topics they were skilled in. This was always informal and wonderful, but in recent months I knew deep down I needed to find someone who could assist in a more holistic, yet targeted way.

Finally I found a gorgeous lady from Colorado Springs - Sam Horn. Now this ‘formal investment’ didn’t come cheap so this was a really hard decision, especially in the current economic climate. As the days drew closer to meeting with her, I felt a sense of excitement that for the first time ever I’d be clear on how I would bring all my projects under one umbrella, powerfully brand myself, and onward and upward I would go.

She was intuitively brilliant and had everything nailed and planned by the time our hour was up. I was blown away by her and still am. What a powerhouse! I set about doing the things she suggested and was bouncing with excitement at the prospect of launching the amazing program we planned - one that would give leaders a unique opportunity to make a difference. Woohoo I was back. There it was. All I needed was some clarity.

Insert record scratch here… Not the DJ mixer dance type - no, the one where the cat jumped into the record player and the whole damn thing fell off its flimsy retro legs!

It only took a couple of weeks for those nagging thoughts to come creeping back in:

Who has any money at the moment to pay for this program?

Nobody wants to add more time into their day by changing the world - after all, we’re all too busy, right?

No corporation will pay big bucks for me to facilitate a unique program specifically designed to engage their staff - despite the massive cost of disengagement

Then the personal stuff reared it’s ugly head too:

Maybe I’m not good enough

Maybe I don’t know enough

Who am I to do this?

Will people think I’m a fake?

Who would want to listen to me?

And on and on the internal resistance went…

It didn’t take me long to realise the problem was with me. Not my knowledge or skills, but my belief system which needed a complete reboot. To be honest, this wasn’t the first time in my life I’d been deterred by similar thoughts. It’s actually a regular thing, and if we’re all honest, we all fall victim to this. But this time was different. I was so chronically tired of pushing so hard against these thoughts. I needed to do something differently.

Admitting this doesn’t come easy and for me I’m greeted with an ugly sense of shame. I successfully mentor so many others, so to admit I was falling would make me look like I didn’t know what I was doing. At least that’s what I was afraid of. 

Those who trusted me would no longer trust me

Those who admired me would no longer admire me

Those who believed in me would no longer believe in me

Those who were inspired by me would no longer be inspired by me

You get the picture…

But the exhaustion of constantly pushing had become too much. I had to wave the white flag and surrender to the nagging of despair, hoping my tribe, or a new one, would greet me on the other side. So began several days of serious contemplation.

I strongly believe, and have seen it happen over and over, that when you put something out to the universe, it answers. As well as Sam, there is another wonderful woman this world is blessed to have - Janet Hogan. I have known Janet for many years as I featured her amazing daughter, Clover in my book ‘Magnificent Kids!’. 

I knew Janet had a program called The 5th Door, but had never been specifically drawn to it - until now. Janet’s 5th Door appeared on my LinkedIn timeline and I was overwhelmed with tears. They do say ‘when the student is ready the teacher will appear’. I reached out and began the process of working with Janet through her program.

As I write this, we are only 5 days into a 19 day program, and already this is one of the most powerful things I’ve ever done. In just a few short days I have shed my pride (not the good type - but the type you need to swallow) and have uncovered my core need - ‘self worth’. It now makes sense to me why I’ve never been comfortable with charging an appropriate amount of money for my services, despite the fact that what I offer is hugely impactful.

The evidence of my success is everywhere, and people tell me on a daily basis. Not to mention the pile of testimonials I have. BUT, no amount of external praise or evidence will ever matter if you don’t believe it for yourself.

So with my core need identified, we then looked for that naughty little core destructive belief. Surprise surprise - mine is ‘I am not valuable’. Dang!! Blatantly obvious but completely under my radar.

Of course this ridiculous belief stems from a couple of ‘criticisms’ as a child that I perceived differently to how they were intended. One instance was of somebody who truly loves me merely trying to protect my feelings as a child, but I interpreted that as excluding me from the decision because I was not valuable enough to be included. Communication truly is about the interpretation of the receiver!

Now begins the process of bringing all these false beliefs into the light and loving them for what they are, and there’s a whole stack of fine tuning to be done. The program is so beautifully prescribed that you always feel completely safe and supported, and never left hanging. And obviously the process is much deeper than the tiny taste I’m sharing here.

We’re a long way from the finish line, but after the 19 days I anticipate having a whole new readiness to take on the world with passion and purpose, and I can’t wait. Already I have a sense of how that might look, but I suspect the next leg of my journey will look very different, and I will feel very different.

I also see now that I had been seriously blocking my flow, and that I needed to invest in me to get the river flowing as it should.

I’m so glad I had the courage to swallow my pride, as now I’m beginning to find a new sense of peace and calm. I know I will emerge the beautiful butterfly I was always meant to be in the world, but this time I hope to see it for myself.

Are you ready to lay your weapons down, wave your white flag and surrender to the perfect emergence of your amazing self? I hope so, because the world needs what your soul brings.

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast

Carefree or careless?

By Kerryn Vaughan

31st May 2020 (first published on Girls With Hammers 5th October 2019)

I recently caught up with an old friend I hadn’t seen in several years. When I say ‘old’ friend she was actually much younger than me and during our few hours together I wondered if I had slept through some type of time-warped eclipse that seriously impacted generational behaviour. 

She had moved away some years ago to chase a career dream and set up home with her boyfriend who would soon become her husband. But the demands of city life had become too much for her self proclaimed ‘care-free spirit’, so the recent move back to the country and closer to her family seemed the obvious solution. Or maybe it was the easiest solution, and the one that allowed her to unapologetically live the life she felt was justified and that she was entitled to. More on that in a minute… 

We agreed to meet at a local park so the kids could play and run and burn some energy before we went for lunch. Great idea! How cute would this be? 3 little kids running around, arms outstretched pretending to be airplanes and asking me in their sweet little voices to push them on the swing.

I arrived slightly before her, and as the car she described in our messages turned into the park, I was excited to see her and the kids I had never met. It had been a long time and my memories were of her and I sharing a lot of jokes and laughter. Our catch up would be so wonderful.

Insert record scratch sound effect here!!!

Holy hell, was I wrong! I was certainly on some other kid-friendly planet while daydreaming about that. The doors flung open almost before the car had even stopped. 3 kids barrelled out and without caution or care, charged toward the playground. The two bigger ones (maybe 5 & 7) headed straight to the swings and proceeded to throw the little girl who was happily swinging and minding her own business, to the ground. She somehow picked herself up, without the swing, now loaded with one of the boys, hitting her in the head as she hastily made her escape crying her little heart out.

I just stood there with my mouth wide open, and the little girl’s mum wasn’t looking any better! I couldn’t believe what I just saw. As my old friend Amy (not her real name) waddled her way from the car to where I was standing, I noticed she was taking no notice of where her kids had gone. I greeted her with a long lost friend hug, then gently noted her boys had thrown a little girl off the swing. Her response - “oh well, she’ll get over it”.

Immediately my head was filled with conflicting thoughts of “do I just shut up as I don’t want to ruin this catch up, or do I say something that might cause a disagreement?”. Right or wrong, I chose to shut up.

We sat down to chat, and as we got further and further into conversation it became apparent that her disregard for others had become her lifestyle. She proudly stated several times that she doesn’t care what other people think of her, and how she has moved past people judging her, and that now she is living the carefree life and loving every moment of everything. 

Without knowing all the facts, I was fairly confident I was observing the expression of ‘I’ve been hurt badly and I’m going to do anything I can to keep people at arms length and I will behave any way I want, they can like it or lump it because I don’t want them near me anyway!’. So naturally my empathy took over and I ‘tolerated’ what I was hearing and seeing. Mind you I wasn’t so impressed with the older boy continually running past me, smacking me in the back of the head every single time!

She tried to sell her lifestyle as happy and carefree, and not entangled in all the drama that her other friends have to deal with. I wasn’t convinced, as there was a hint of resentment in her tone.

Then there it was - bamm!! The whole story about how her husband cheated on her with his accountant and how they were thieves and how she should have known he was an arse. The story finished with “but I couldn’t care less - good riddance to the idiot. My life is so great now and I can do whatever I like”.

Feeling slightly sorry for her, and at least having some understanding of the ‘everyone can get stuffed’ behaviour, I felt thankful I hadn’t given her a mouthful about the swing incident.

After a couple of hours (and for the record those kids did NOT drop to a lower level of energy) we went to a cafe for lunch. The kids were again ‘set free’ and annoyed the hell out of many people trying to enjoy a quiet lunch. I few times I dropped little comments like “I don’t think that lady over there likes the kids under her table” and “Oh god I hope we don’t get kicked out” and “We can just grab fish ’n chips and take them back to the park maybe?”. But all to no avail. She would either just laugh or make a dismissive comment along the lines of “who cares”. 

She made it clear that she believes it’s a free world and people can go and eat somewhere else if they don’t like the way her kids are behaving. I was literally stuck - I didn’t want to spend these few hours in a full on debate about how to be respectful. I didn’t know her full story, I didn’t know if the kids had autism or ADHD or anything else that could be contributing. I felt I wasn’t in a position to speak up, but minute by minute I was becoming more and more conflicted and churned up inside, and down right peeved off.

Amy told me about how her car had broken down and the nice car she was driving was actually her mum’s. She commandeered it 3 weeks ago, and despite her mum now being left without a car, she had no intention of returning it just yet as she couldn’t afford to get hers fixed. This comment came only minutes after telling me that she had just been to a concert with front row tickets. 

Actually that’s a lie, her tickets were several rows back on the floor but thanks to her new found confidence and attitude, she had taken herself to the front once the concert started, with no qualms about standing in front of others who had paid a premium price. Regardless, if you can afford concert tickets you can do something toward helping your mum get her car back. I became quite annoyed at this.

Then she proceeded to tell me she was going clothes shopping that afternoon but felt a bit guilty because she was supposed to be taking care of her sister’s dog while she was away for a week. Never mind, the dog would only miss food for one day. What the hell??!!

When our food arrived, she asked the kids to sit down and eat their lunch. Now let’s be clear about something here - she ASKED the kids if they would mind sitting. Maybe I’m a little old school when I take kids out for lunch, but I expect kids to behave in public. I don’t mean that they can’t speak, or play, or have fun like all kids should - I simply mean to have good manners and show respect for others. Inconsiderate behaviour is not my favourite thing.

So the next 5 minutes went like this:

Amy: Braydon, would you like to do a favour for mummy and sit down and eat your lunch?

Braydon: ignore mum

Amy: Braydon, mummy would like you to be a good boy

Braydon: ignore mum

Amy: Bray Bray, mummy’s going to cry if you make her sad

Braydon: ignore mum

Amy: Oh well, I tried

Kerryn: (in my mind) no you didn’t…

This exact thing was then repeated with the next child and again to no avail. At least the littlest one seemed hungry enough to run to the table to eat, but not before screaming past an elderly man and whacking him on the back as she flew past.

Oh, the other two did come to get their lunch, but in bursts, grabbing handfuls as they ran past doing laps of the cafe.

Finally I did speak up. I couldn’t stand it anymore. But only after one of the kids broke my golden rule - he stuck his finger in the sauce on my plate! That was it for me and my blood boiled over and started seeping out of my mouth.

“You know” I said. “I think you should put more effort into being a better role model for your kids. I can see you’re hurting or at least that you feel you have suffered some injustices, but I think the kids need to see your strength more than your weakness, and they certainly need clear boundaries to become happy functioning adults.”

OK, so that didn’t go down so well, and she certainly wasn’t impressed that I was ‘judging’ her, despite the fact that she told me earlier in the day that she has ‘moved past people judging her’. Hmmm…

Very abruptly she noted it was time to go as she had to do other things, and off she went in mum’s new shiny car…

I’m glad I chose to shut up at the park, because by waiting I now had a whole list of evidence that at least made me feel my case was valid. Had I spoken up right at the start, no doubt she would have completely dismissed my comments, and me, and the whole thing would have been lose/lose. I still don’t know if she’ll ever re-think how she is behaving, but at least she now has my words in her head.

By the way, I know she won’t be reading this as she ‘has no time for that rubbish!’. Don’t worry, I heard several times during our get together that I was ‘mad’, ‘crazy’, ‘ridiculous’, and many more things that may leave some feeling rather fragile. I was left thinking "wow if I didn't have the self-love and self-esteem that I do have, she may well have sent me down the big black hole of doubt, and I may never have come out!"

Which is the perfect segue to my point - careless is not the same as carefree, and a supposed carefree life does not give you the right to carelessly trash other people. It’s actually reckless. You can’t impact others or dismiss or disregard or be inconsiderate or disrespectful toward others, simply to fulfill your mission of being your definition of ‘carefree’.

The definition of ‘carefree’ claims to be ‘free from anxiety or responsibility’. The anxiety part is great, but as an adult there are responsibilities that just are. You can’t avoid them. 

However, you can avoid getting tangled up in other people’s drama, and you can avoid being persuaded by the negative opinions of others. You can also become so self-empowered that you are able to make choices and live a relatively carefree life, without impacting others. Particularly not oozing your carelessness all over the place and causing grief to others.

Behaving like an ‘oozer’ doesn’t make you cool, it makes you an inconsiderate prick that strong people (people who would normally be great to hang with), will do anything to avoid. It’s so easy to be kind, considerate, responsible and respectful, while at the same time being empowered enough to live a life as close as possible to how you want it to be. Call it ‘carefree’ if you will.

Despite me touting this as the empowered one, somehow I must have allowed Amy to ‘ooze’ into my sub-conscious because that night I had a dream about needing to go to the toilet. Beside the toilet was an over-flow bucket because sometimes the toilet didn’t flush. But no, in my dream Amy brazenly came up and let it go in the over-flow bucket. I told her she shouldn’t use that and she said “I couldn’t care less” and disappeared from view. 

So she did manage to infiltrate my mind, but thankfully I woke up very soon after and avoided literally using the dysfunctional ‘dream’ toilet. I’m sure I’m not the only one who is confronted with dodgy toilets in their dreams!

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast

Your life can change in 20 seconds

By Kerryn Vaughan

23rd May 2020

20 seconds truly can change your life. Specifically, I'm talking about 20 seconds of courage. Think about it. What can you do in 20 seconds? 

• Hit send on an email after procrastinating over it for 19 seconds 

• Dial somebody’s number to have that conversation

• Walk up to somebody to say something

• Text that important message

• Hit publish on that first blog post

• Post that post laden with vulnerability or sass

• Put that draft book or play in the post box

• Say yes to a decision you’ve been procrastinating

• Hit the ‘live’ button on social media

• Get in the car to go to that audition

• Step onto the stage

• Walk out your front door

There’s got to be thousands of other examples, but you get my point.

These can be life changing actions. The number one thing that holds us back (other than ourselves) is not stepping into courage.

Some will say it’s self-doubt or fear, but both of those can be overcome by taking courageous action. In fact action is the best antidote for fear!

Others will blame somebody else and let’s stop right here - I call bullshit on that! Unless you are in a situation that has your basic rights completely restricted (and some people are in that situation), then blaming somebody else is just a cop out. So let’s move on…

Then there’s the question of confidence v courage. In my work I have a stack of people telling me that they just don’t have the confidence. Most say ‘when I’m more confident’.
Well I hate to say it, but the only way to build confidence is by doing. And doing means taking a deep breath and getting on with it. That’s courage and it really is that simple.

Now I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt - sometimes it does. But nothing changes if nothing changes.

Let’s revisit confidence, and consider for a moment how courage trumps confidence every time. If we have the courage to do or try something, no matter how it turns out, we can count it as a success because we actually DID it. And each time we do it again, no matter what the outcome, we start to string all these small achievements and tiny successes together and that builds confidence.

20 seconds really can change your life.

Now I’m not suggesting we all start jumping out of planes or sticking our heads in a lion’s mouth. If we’re not trained or have sufficient safety nets in place, those things could be down right dangerous - stupid in fact!

To highlight the difference between courage and stupidity, let me tell you what I did once… 

Some years back I was a teacher, and we took our students to one of those obstacle course type camps. You know the good old team building ones? Well, there was an underground tunnel about 50 meters long and only about 2 feet in diameter.

Your’s truly, terrified of tunnels and caves, decided to throw myself into that challenge belly first. Literally belly first! I had to crawl through this pitch black tunnel that curled and twirled through the suffocating stench of damp dirt, with barely enough room for my body.

Arms outstretched trying to feel the difference between the true tunnel path and the fake at Y intersections. Are you having trouble breathing just reading this? I am!

Yes I made it through, and somehow without having a heart attack, but why I did it had nothing to do with courage. No, I was showing off, trying to impress one of the camp workers I had taken a shine to.

Pretty dumb hey? To further highlight my stupidity, later that day a snake was spotted only a few metres away from the tunnel exit. So long story short, don’t be like Kerryn!

What I’m really talking about here are the little things that will make our lives better. The things, that if we do them, will help us achieve the goals we have been wanting to achieve but thought they were out of reach. I’m talking about fulfilling our dreams.

Everybody deserves that.

Courage, even just one tiny step at a time, is what pushes us out of our comfort zone - and we all know, that’s where the magic happens!

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast

The COVID-19 pot of gold

By Kerryn Vaughan

29th March 2020

I’m sure I'm not the only one reading daily takes on COVID-19. Thoughts on zoonotic diseases jumping from bat to pangolin to human, New World Order, population reduction, specific governments conducting biological warfare, even terrorism. Not to mention Mother Nature taking back, Nostradamus’ prediction of the death of this world and the re-birth of the new, coincidence & bad luck, and even alien invasion.

Now don’t get me wrong, I think most of these are very possible, and personally, I’m acutely interested in the origin, reason and timing of this chaotic pandemic, but right now my absolute priority is protecting the people I love.

I’ve also seen comments that this is a hoax and that the numbers are all fabricated to perpetuate the fear that is so rife at the moment, and that it’s a way to distract us from what certain governments are trying to do behind our backs. Again, no reason why these can’t be true. In fact I will never trust any government! 

But a lot of this latter group of people are also the ones being reckless in their behaviour and risking the lives of others. Maybe they are somewhat right, but the fact is people are dying no matter what the truth is, despite claims by some of these people that nobody has actually died from COVID-19.

Many are saying we should believe science, but others are saying that the scientists are not telling us the truth. Scientists are even contradicting each other. So how do we know what to believe?

We are all experiencing fear, anger, sadness, confusion, isolation, and uncertainty about the future, and all of these feelings are contributing to panic. Some are keeping busy helping whoever they can, while others are merely trying to survive. We are all just clinging to hope, and life is as far from normal as we could ever have imagined.

But I’m choosing to do what I think is the right thing. While I am trying my hardest to resist being drawn into the fear mongering, I am doing what is being asked of me and staying at home, only venturing out for essential items.

As I write this I want to acknowledge the challenges that staying at home brings to some families, as well as those who have essential jobs and without these people our world would collapse entirely. To all of you - I take my hat off.

In our family, we have elderly and immune comprised people that I care about greatly, and I will do whatever it takes to keep them safe. When this is over, those of us who ‘obeyed’ might be wrong, and a surprising truth might be unveiled, but I’m not taking the risk. I would rather be proven wrong than the reckless be proven wrong.

But ultimately most of us would agree that it really is time to review the way we live, regardless of who is right and who is wrong, and regardless of the above mentioned individual theories, views and opinions.

Frankly we are drowning. We have long driven ourselves into a way of living that is truly becoming unsustainable. We are trashing the earth, animals and ourselves at such break-neck speed that there is no chance of any recovery or rejuvenation.

Right now is considered the best time to be alive, if we exclude the last few months. We are blessed with never-ending opportunities, yet loneliness, depression, anxiety, and suicide are all sky-rocketing. Something is terribly, terribly wrong.

If we take the internet for example, everything is at our fingertips. We tap and we have all we want or need just like that. I love social media because it allows me instant connection to colleagues around the globe with no delay other than the other person’s beauty sleep. It’s fabulous!

But is it really satisfying our deepest and genuine needs and wants, or does it just keep us bandaided on the surface while we resist questioning the harm we allow it to do because we are too afraid to really check in?

Cyber bullying is the first thing that comes to mind as a negative. Kids can’t just leave all that at school - it follows them home and is relentless through the night - driving them to hate themselves. And yes people can say that kids shouldn’t have phones in the bedroom, but have you ever tried to pry a phone from the hands of a teenager?!

Female news readers and journalists are hounded non-stop, some reporting trolling by the thousands every single day. We have gone too far. Our behaviour is driving us backwards as a society and as a global collective.

Further, we are demanding more of each other with the immediacy of information and actions, and  demanding more of ourselves. We are bombarded non stop with information and advice about how we should be living our lives, and we are pulled in every direction every day.

We used to have to physically haul our butts down to the newsagency and buy a magazine in order to feel crap about ourselves, and in particular our appearance. Now we just tap and there it is!

Around me I see people burning out everyday, myself included. Several hardships presented themselves last year and I couldn’t wait for 2020 as I was positive it would be a better year. I was so wrong! 2020 has been one disaster after the other. Maybe that's a mindset thing, but I'm so tired.

Some days I just want to jump off the supersonic fast-spinning mouse wheel and take a chance on breaking my neck, but at the very least I just want to scream “STOOOOOPPPPPP!!”

None of us like what is happening at the moment with COVID-19, and some are so angry with the government for locking us in our homes like prisoners.

But why don’t we take this opportunity to reflect and take a good look at the way we have personally conducted ourselves and lived our lives, and ask ourselves if what we have been doing is actually serving us. By that I mean physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally.

Are we pushing so hard against a brick wall, continuing to clamber on the pile of rubble we’ve created because we don’t have time to deal with it, that we can’t even see the door just 2 feet away? What if we just take these few weeks to sit back, relax, review, and decide what really matters, then look up again after we’ve had some time to breathe. 

We might just find that when we do look up we can clearly see that door we didn’t see before. Maybe the door will be the only thing we see, and maybe if we open it, it’s where we will find the pot of gold we have been looking for all along. Maybe then we can walk out on to the stage that is truly ours - the one that enables us to live the life we are supposed to live.

Me - I have found my music again and suddenly everything feels better and the struggle is easing.

Use this time to slow down and reflect on how valuable you are, how valuable life is, and how much you value those you love. We may never get this opportunity again, so go with the flow and restore - the world needs you on the other side of this, just as imperfectly perfect as you are.

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, and co-founder of Girls With Hammers.

Interrupting the status quo

By Kerryn Vaughan

31st January 2020

“You need to calm down”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told this in my life and to be honest, it’s starting to wear thin. We seem to have an aversion to people who hold a mirror to our face or who ask us to challenge our beliefs and behaviours. We are way too happy living the easy life and allowing ourselves to be railroaded by the expectations of others, and by the beliefs that have been imposed upon us over the years. Why would we do that?

Well, for many reasons actually, but most revolve around ease and fear. Let’s look at fear.

Fear of criticism, looking foolish, being excluded, being rejected, being labelled a lunatic - among a plethora of others. In fact, if we look back through the history books, fearing these things back then, and in particular being labelled a lunatic etc, may have been completely justified. In the past you may have been burned at the stake or sent to the hangman if you spoke up or even slightly stepped away from the norm.

Sadly this narrow minded punishment still exists in some parts of the world, and in particular, I’m referring to those who still think it’s ok to silence the opinion of women or stone them to death even when they are not the cause of the problem! The real problem is that the ‘norm’ is not always right. Just because we’ve always ‘done it like that’ doesn’t make it OK. Sometimes things need to be challenged.

For the good part, our freedoms and rights have evolved sufficiently to allow us a voice and to stand up for what we believe in. Despite this, we still default to outdated beliefs and behaviours that just don’t bear credit in this current day and age.

Sometimes the status quo is nothing but a stagnant dirty pond festering in rot. Too often, a situation where nobody wants to step up and upset it because other people just don't like that. They don’t like it because you're making waves in their dirty pond and nobody wants to drink filthy water. But sometimes we need to rock the boat. Sometimes the status quo is completely unacceptable and people and animals are being treated in such a way, that turning a blind eye just doesn’t do. And often this extends to the environment and the way we are trashing our planet..

Back to my opening line - “you need to calm down”.

I am well known amongst my peers for standing up for what I believe in; and not quietly and not politely. I find any act that harms or demoralises any living being, and particularly vulnerable ones, an abhorrent violation of rights and I consider the perpetrator the scum of the earth. I have every reason to believe that most reading this will agree with everything I have said up to this point.

However the conflict comes when I push this a little further and point out that apathy enables the perpetrator. This makes people uncomfortable as their own guilt rises, but also as they are swamped with a feeling of helplessness. I am making people feel very uncomfortable, so their best defence is to push back. So the seemingly obvious thing to do is to shoot the messenger.

Strangely I’m fine with this because all the bullet holes I’ve sustained have allowed all the old beliefs to ooze out of my being, effectively ridding myself of toxic pus. For the record - I am calm, I am proud, I am happy and I sleep very well at night.

The truth is that most people are good, and most people want to do good. BUT, we’re so deeply entrenched in beliefs that have become so ingrained that we’re not able to even see the hold they have on us. Most of these beliefs we have inherited.

For years I voted for a political party simply because my parents did. I believed what I was hearing around the dinner table and never thought to question it. It was only as I became much better at thinking for myself, and not being led by the beliefs of others, that I realised my values differed dramatically to the views of that party.

A great story that comes to mind is the one about Nana’s lamb roast. I can’t recall it word for word, but it goes something like this:

Mum was making a lamb roast and before she put it into the oven tray, she cut the end off the bone then put the rest into the tray. The daughter asked her mother why she cut the end of the bone off and the mother replied “I don’t know, because that’s what Nana always does”. They decided to ask Nana why she does this. Nana’s response was that her mother always did this. So they went to the Great Grandmother and asked her why she cut the end of the bone off. Her simple reply was “because it won’t fit in the tray”. With that they all realised that their trays were not as small as the one the Great Grandmother had been using, and it highlighted that they were just mindlessly performing an inherited behaviour without ever questioning why.

“Children must be taught HOW to think, and not WHAT to think”
~ Margaret Mead

For many generations we have been taught what to think. This is perpetuated through our education system as well as much of what we unconsciously absorb from the media. If we become better at digging deep about HOW we think, we will be in a much better place. But to do this we must be prepared to let go of beliefs that are not serving us, and this is not as easy at it seems.

The point I really want to get across here is that we need to stand up for what we believe is right, even if we fear we might be left standing alone. In our heart of hearts we know what is right and we feel the discomfort when things are wrong. It’s not rocket science.

For many years I have loudly (and proudly) stated that I am not here to make friends - I am here to make a difference. We were each given a voice and we should use it to make the world a better place. We were also each given a unique set of talents and characteristics, and we should embrace and employ these, become best friends with them, and believe that we are capable of doing great things.

Your truth matters

We all have dreams and desires, and an imagination that occasionally allows us to peek through the blinds at the life we could be living. But way too often we are paralysed by outdated beliefs, self doubt and the fear of becoming an outcast or ridiculed, simply because we want to be true to ourselves.

I am here to tell you that there is a life beyond that. It is definitely possibility to live a life that is true to you, even if others don’t like it. There is always the opportunity to stand up and make your life count.

Some people will challenge you, but that’s reflective of their insecurities and fears and not about you. You will be surprised how many people rally to support what you are doing and what you are standing for. Often they are people who are ready to stand in their own truth but are still lacking courage, or the person to push them over the edge so they can find their own wings and spread the messages of their own truth. They are encouraged by you. They see their possibilities through your actions.

You can eagerly await the opportunity to tear down a person who is stepping up, or you can be an encourager - and I can tell you first hand that it feels way better to be an encourager. And when you encourage and enable others, your wings start to appear, and before you know it you have also enabled yourself and given yourself permission to be the absolute best version of you.

So what are you going to choose? I hope you join me in flight, because the view is so much better from up here.

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, and co-founder of Girls With Hammers.

But what will people think? Why this shouldn't stop you.

Photo - Annie Spratt

By Nicky Williams

18th Jan 2020

How many times do you have an idea, or really want to try something - only to end up shelving it because you’re worried what people will think?

Even though the idea excited you, it gave you a buzz and put a smile on your face; you let your imagination wander to new possibilities - in your mind a familiar script played out:

‘What if people think my idea is stupid and laugh?’

‘What if they talk about me behind my back?'

'I might fail and look stupid, I don’t think I’ll even try”

‘Gloria Goldpants is doing something similar, I could never be like her, what was I even thinking?’

So you don’t try

You give up before you’ve started.

I know how hard it is to try something new when you’re scared. For the life of me I NEVER thought I could write blogs or articles and share them with the world!

I knew I loved writing; I knew it was something I wanted to do. But still I didn’t do it.

The thought of publicly sharing anything I wrote terrified me.

And to be honest the thoughts that scared me the most related to what people would think; and especially what they would think if I failed because my writing was actually God awful.

The thoughts going back and forth in my mind went something like this:

‘But what will people think?'

'But what if my writing is actually terrible and I’m just plain delusional thinking I could do this?'

'But there are so many people already doing amazing blogs - I’m not good enough'

'They will definitely be talking about me behind my back, laughing and telling everyone how self-absorbed and clearly clueless I am'

The thoughts went on and on, and round and round in my head.

But I pushed through them and made myself do it because I loved it. And that was more important than what someone else may or may not think.

Photo - Felicia Buitenwerf

Maybe you’ve tried, or you’ve begun by sharing your idea with someone else but you didn’t get a great response, so you stopped?

Sometimes it feels easier to stop, to fall back into what you know, the comfort of not being vulnerable, the comfort of not pushing past the fear and trying that thing.

Sometimes it feels easier to fall back into the comfort of the familiar - like snuggling down onto the safety of the couch with your favourite warm blankie.

BUT

You’re left wandering what could have been.

What if you did try?

What if you pushed past the fear of how you think you’ll look?

What if you pushed past the fear of what Gloria Goldpants might say?

What if you gave it a shot?

What if it turned out that you loved it just as much as your favourite blankie?

What if the reality was that people were talking about you - but they were talking about how courageous you were for giving it a crack?

Growth comes with being vulnerable, with trying new things, with backing yourself and having a go. With messing up and trying again. It’s not easy. It’s scary and it’s new, but for me it’s been so freeing to do what I love. To show the world who I am.

Yes, I still get scared every single time I share a blog or an article. But I don't let that fear stop me. I keep going.

Sometimes I don’t feel like it, sometimes my imposter syndrome gets too much. Sometimes my writing is crap, sometimes it’ average, sometimes it’s good. But the more I do it, the more I love it and the more I learn.

Whatever you do - you can’t control what others think and fear of what they may or may not think or say shouldn’t stop you living your life.

My biggest piece of advice to you is 'just go for it'! You'll be amazed at how much it'll change your life.

A quote that really helped me:

“The greatest prison people live in is the fear of what other people think.”

― David Icke

Don’t lock yourself in that prison. Show the world who you are, show yourself who you are.

I realise how lucky I am to have 'Get Off The Bench' expert Kerryn Vaughan at my fingertips. She showed me how to silence my fears and find the courage to push past them and do it anyway. Now I just do it because I love it. And I love the excited squeals I hear from her office every time she shows someone else how to unlock their magic.

Thank you to everyone who comments and shares my blogs. Thank you to everyone who sends me messages and tells me that you get something out them. I started writing because I wanted to share stories that helped people feel less alone. And the surprising thing is - your comments have actually made me feel less alone.

So thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Love, Nicky xx

Nicky Williams is the co-founder of Girls With Hammers and a freelance writer.

Refs: David Icke, Harvard Business Review - imposter syndrome, Get Off The Bench, Kerryn Vaughan

Why knowing 'how' is irrelevant

Photo: Emily Morter

By Kerryn Vaughan

17th December 2019

Have you ever wanted to do something or try something, but instantly decided it’s just all too hard? And besides, “I don’t have the skills”. What if we gave it a go anyway?

There have been so many times in my life, and I mean literally thousands, where I have had an idea about a vision, but absolutely no idea about how to do it. This ‘how’ is what puts most people off. They try to have it all figured about before they start, and never actually get around to starting anything. What a crying shame!
The world needs what you have – and everybody has something to give.

There’s a bit of a ‘well known’ secret that goes like this: You need to get your ‘why’ in order first, and then the ‘how’ will just take care of itself. Trust me, I do this all the time and it works.

I share this in workshops and people doubt me, but they always come back with “Wow, it really does work! I can’t believe how easy this is!”.

But you need to know why you are doing something, or why doing it is important to you, or why you are motivated to do it. Otherwise that thing you want to do, but don’t know how, will never happen.

Let me give you a personal example: right now I am testing out Word Press and I had no idea how it all worked before I started, and frankly I still don’t have my head around it. But I’m trying and I’m getting there. The ‘how’ is super frustrating to me, but my ‘why’ outweighs that.

Photo: Ian Schneider

So why am I so driven to use Word Press despite the frustrations? Because my work is helping people Get Off The Bench, and setting up a blog or a website seems to come up very often and I like to further my knowledge so I can better support those needing these things.

I am already great with other platforms, but not with Word Press. One person is this very moment, setting up a blog in Word Press, so if I use it too I can give her support if needed, and that helps her feel more confident about getting off the bench.

So ultimately, my why is that I genuinely care about people succeeding and living their dream. I want to understand the pain points people have to go through to make their dream a reality. It also makes me a better facilitator and it gives those I support a better success rate. It’s win/win and we should all be striving for that.

If you are driven by your ‘why’ you can’t help yourself, and as you take the first step, the next step just unfolds and becomes obvious. Further, if you allow the small steps to fall into place as they appear, before you know it you will be in a place you never expected to be, simply because you didn’t know how but had the courage to try anyway.

Most great things in this world started with a vision and a solid ‘why’, and the creator just kept trying and trusting, and allowing each step to lead her/him to the next.

So whatever that thing is you want to do, and don’t know how, ask yourself ‘why?’. If your ‘why’ is big enough then just get on with it, and let go of the stress of constantly worrying about it. If you need help, then head on over to Get Off The Bench! and I’ll get you started.

Just try! You may fail – but you may also succeed.
Happy ‘thing’ building!

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, and co-founder of Girls With Hammers.

I don't know how to kiss... YET!

Photo - Toa Heftiba

By Kerryn Vaughan

12th December 2019

Have you ever stopped to consider how often you say “I don’t know how to…”? Very often, I suspect! What if we changed that language to “I don’t know how to… yet”?

Think about all the things you competently do today that you once didn’t know how to do, like drive, tie your shoe laces, use the lawn mower, cook, kiss, use a smart phone; the list goes on and on…

What about using a computer? I can clearly recall how scared most of us were when personal computers first became available. I was in my late 20’s. I remember seeing these clunky big things starting to appear in shops and for well over a year I would feel a sense of dread at the thought of someday being in a position where I would be forced to use one. I was terrified! Computers were way too advanced for someone like me.

Around the age of 30 I took the leap (only because my then partner wanted one) and we bought a desk computer with the giant hard-case and massive big box screen that left absolutely no room on the desk for anything else. You couldn’t even move it without ‘setting the heads in park’. Yes, I thought I was so advanced in IT knowing that little secret and mastering it. I also remember spending what seemed like a house deposit on it!

Fast forward 25 years and I’m practically married to my Mac (others in my home call her Mrs Mac due to my perhaps ‘over-the-top’ adoration) and I can’t ever imagine how I was afraid of these amazing machines.

When I first invested in a little farm some 12 years ago, I didn’t know how to do any farm maintenance. Well I can tell you, I soon had to get my act together! I still have a small farm now, and over those years I’ve constructed paddock shelters, rebuilt an outdoor toilet, re-strung a clothesline, fixed many water pumps and connections, re-wired a solar system, installed electric fences, injected sick cows, and so many other things I’d never had to do prior to this. Only a couple of weeks ago I had to herd a snake into a corner to confine it, after it made its way into the house via the doggy door!

Photo - Timothy Eberly

This got me thinking - isn’t it funny how when things are urgent (and a snake in the house falls under ‘critically urgent’!), we seem to find a way to learn in an instant. There is no ‘yet’ and there is no ‘can’t’. Adrenaline kicks in, we do what we have to, and in most cases actually succeed, much to our surprise.

We never give ourselves enough credit for what we are truly capable of. Besides, every single thing you could ever want to learn is now on YouTube, so no excuses!

So why is it, we allow what we can’t do to define us? What if we did started putting ‘yet’ on the end of every ‘I don’t know how to…’? Imagine how we’d start seeing ourselves and our capabilities.

However, if you really don't like something, and don’t ever want to do it, then by all means ignore all of the above. I'm not good at sewing, because I actually despise sewing. So, I don't want to be good at it ‘yet’, now, or any other time.

But if you are saying things like ‘I'm not good at this’ or ‘I don't know how to do that’, it probably means that you wish you were good at it or did know how to do it, otherwise you wouldn't even be bringing it up. So my advice, make friends with the word ‘yet’ and use it often . Oh, and for the record, I had a whole lot of fun learning how to kiss!

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, and co-founder of Girls With Hammers.

Are you coming clean?

By Kerryn Vaughan

16th August 2019

Well are you?

It may be a hard pill to swallow, but you simply can’t free yourself until you do…

Over the years my work has taken me on many journeys - some good, some not so good. A great deal of it has seen me teaching or training in some form or another, creating the opportunity for me to have a trapped audience, and some would say that meant I was in my element!

My days as a tertiary teacher had me locked in room with a whole bunch of mostly mature women who had succumbed to the ‘settling’ that seems to plague a lot of women. Settling for far less than they deserved. Of course I wasn’t literally ‘locked’ in with them, but for some, that’s how it would have felt at first.

At the beginning of the year, each new student would hesitantly creep through the door for the first time, slowly scanning every corner of the room for the chair that would securely snuggle her for the entire year. Each one doubting that anybody else in the room would understand that her even thinking about starting a course, was taking a massive step out of her comfort zone.

As she headed to the chair that seemed to be beckoning her, she wondered how she would manage to get through an entire year sitting amongst all these confident people, and thinking “I am so far out of my league here”. Then the lies would sneak in and infiltrate her mind until she could barely even breathe. She had successfully convinced herself that she was the only one in the room experiencing these thoughts:

“I shouldn’t be here”

“Who am I to think I can start a new career - nobody will employ me anyway”

“Everybody will find out I wasn’t that smart at school”

“I won’t be able to pass any tests so I shouldn’t have even enrolled”

“It’s only a matter of time before Kerryn finds out how dumb I am”

“Maybe I should leave now, before it even starts”

And the list goes on and on and on…

How do I know they had these thoughts? Because eventually every one of them comes clean. And over time they all share with each other, that they too had the same thoughts. Imagine the pain of keeping all that fear and anxiety tightly and securely wrapped up inside you, thinking everybody else in the room was more intelligent and more competent than you.

Sadly this happens everywhere in life and not just in my classroom. But the moment we come clean, we open the door for all that rubbish to start waking out, and making way for powerful, positive, and refreshing change to barge its way through that open door.

For me it was always important to show these women how amazing they were. That just because they had not been to school in 20 - 30 years, that did not make them ‘dumb’. Even if it was true that they didn’t do well in school, that’s completely irrelevant once you step out into the big wide world of adulthood.

These women had lived life! Most had raised a family, some had put up with husbands they didn’t even like, some had travelled, some had been in the same job their whole lives and some had done whatever work they could get just to help pay the bills.

Mostly, these women were the ones who always put themselves last - the husband’s job was more important, the kids sport was more important, the trips in ‘mums taxi’ were more important. Even dinner was more important! They were the women who held every family secret tight and who could fit 3 days into 1, both just to keep the peace and ensure the happiness of others preceded their own.

But the truth is, these amazing women had so much to offer and so many life experience skills outside of their robotic daily obligations, and it was time they saw that.

I was so blessed to have been in that wonderful position, having an entire year to massage some of the damaging beliefs out of these incredible beings, and to inspire moments of self-love, self-worth, self-respect, self-belief, confidence, hope and courage. Feelings and thoughts they deserved to be filled with.

Ironically, what they didn’t realise, was that they inspired my life long journey to support people to shine their light. I have seen so many great ideas emerge from inspired minds, and observed as new-born women make their way to the next chapter of their life with new found confidence, and belief that what they have to contribute is truly valuable.

People just need some time out, some inspired moments, and some honest conversation away from the daily grind, so they have an opportunity to figure out what really makes their heart sing. Imagine a whole world full of chirping birds! Imagine how bright the world would be if everybody’s brilliant light was turned on.

Whatever that thing is you want to do, please believe you ‘can’. Please listen to your heart and believe that you matter. Believe you have an amazing gift within you and that your gift is worth sharing. Know that you yourself, are a gift. You are unique, beautiful and way more powerful than you can even imagine. Stand in your truth and add your amazing light to the tapestry of life.

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, and co-founder of Girls With Hammers.

Time is too precious

By Kerryn Vaughan

26th July 2019

Time is too precious

Hi there, and welcome to the very first Get Off The Bench blog post. To be honest, I've been putting this off for way too long because I couldn't decide on the angle to take. I knew I wanted to start a blog because I have a stack of things to say (just ask my family and friends about that!), as well as having a whole bunch of experience in many areas. I'm also passionate about tonnes of things, and can easily share my opinion on all of them.

So what to do? Why is it so easy to help guide others, but when it comes to ourselves we are crap at it? If somebody else asked me what THEY should do, I'd say, ‘Pick a topic you're passionate about and that you know a lot about, then write. Don't make it so damn hard!’

Actually, a lot of us fall victim to not being able to decide which passion we're going to persue, and I intend to unpack this more as we move along this journey together. But at the end of the day, time is way too precious, so we just need to crack on today. Right now!

Do what I say, not what I do

We are all very good at expecting others to value our advice and opinions, but we don't even give it half that value? I’m sure most of us are caught up in the whole self doubt / imposter syndrome epidemic - a huge problem that some people just don’t get on top of.

So on taking my own advice I have gone with Get Off The Bench. Seems logical anyway, as my latest book is called just that. As well, I have a huge backlog of ideas and projects I've successfully gotten off the bench and a long history of helping others to kickstart their projects. So that's final. We’re in this for the long haul.

In coming posts, I'm going to talk about the good, bad, ugly and bloody awesome about getting your idea up and running, as well as looking at reasons why we don’t ever start. Mark my words there are a lot of those! I also want to share snippets from my book and showcase ordinary (that's all of us) people who have had the courage to get off the bench, including how they did it, why they did it, and some of the challenges. Sometimes I might just unload my despise for inconsiderate pricks. That will certainly add some spice!

I hope you'll stick with me and find the inspiration, encouragement and guidance to kickstart your dream and bring it to life.

Please connect with me on Instagram at @getoffthebench and send a DM

About the author: Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Get Off The Bench!’ and ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and director at Girls With Hammers which empowers women to build a dynamic life.