Resilience - Are you on the wrong bike?

By Kerryn Vaughan

29th July 2020

How many times have you heard the word ‘resilience’ lately? I don’t know about you, but since the pandemic started I’ve heard or read it over and over - daily. In relation to the pandemic, I agree - if we don’t find some resilience the whole thing will very quickly get on top of us and we will surely suffocate. 

But what about aside from the pandemic?

What about life in general?

The Merriam-Webster dictionary gives the definition of resilience as: ‘an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change’.

I’m not convinced the majority of us can ‘adjust easily’, or quickly. But I do like the word ‘adjust’ and that it conjures up the idea of changing course. I’m not for a moment saying that life doesn’t throw us some curve-balls that are impossible to avoid and are often not of our own doing. For example, car accidents, illnesses that surprise us out of nowhere, or the sudden collapse of some financial stronghold we once had security in.

But more specifically I’m referring to the way we go about our lives, continually re-living patterns that just don’t serve us. Often we don’t even see that we’re doing that. We just put it down to ‘life’ and ‘it’s just the way it is’. This wears us incredibly thin over time.

For years we have heard people say things like 'stop being a sook’, 'don't give up’, 'hustle and grind’, ‘just give it another crack’ - almost demanding immediacy and urgency. Insinuating to some degree that when things don’t go our way or get too hard, we need to just suck it up and get on with it. Maybe even that we’re not trying hard enough or that we’re not tough enough. We are often way too quick to wildly wave the resilience umbrella. 

But do these things really help build resilience, or do they make us feel like a failure if we struggle to meet these obligations, expectations and demands? I don’t think I’m far from the mark suggesting that most of us interpret this as ‘I’m not good enough’.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for working hard, but there’s a distinct difference between working hard and hard work. Take for example a relationship. We should all commit to trying our hardest and doing ‘our bit’ to contribute, and at times we do have to push a little harder than other times. But, if a relationship is ‘hard work’, then maybe it’s the wrong relationship.

The same applies to our life. In a recent blog I talked about how we’re all too often pushing against a brick wall, exhausting ourselves, when the door is right there - just two feet away, and we miss it. The door that opens with the slightest touch. The door that is meant for us when the brick wall isn’t. When we are doing what we’re supposed to be doing and in the flow, doors open almost by magic.

So with this continual ‘brick wall pushing’ futility exhausting us, I wonder how many times we can just keep ‘getting up’ or feeling guilty and terrible about ourselves when we have nothing left in us and simply can’t ‘get up’. Why do we believe we have to keep punishing ourselves and pushing so hard against the odds?

The Cambridge Dictionary gives the definition of resilience as: ‘the ability to be happy, successful, etc. again after something difficult or bad has happened’.

This definition sits softer with me. It feels like there is no urgency - it seems to allow for vulnerability, reflection and growth. It has a feel of coming back bigger and better, but in a considered way rather than a forced or expected way. In a way that gives you the ok to stop for a while and allows you to fully consolidate the difficult things that have happened.

We are so busy rushing and grinding and hustling and pushing and expecting and judging and criticising and trying to prove ourselves, that we just don’t give ourselves the space to breathe. We deserve that! We owe it to ourselves to have self-compassion and self-kindness.

Sometimes we don’t have a choice in the moment and we have to get back up no matter what, but we do have a choice to reflect after the fact. We do have the choice to stop and get our breath back, and to consider how this event might shape us moving forward.

Let’s look at that age-old saying 'get back on your bike!'

Sometimes that’s exactly what we need to do - but not always.

When I was a kid learning to ride, my dad used to hold the seat while I balanced and if I fell off he said 'get back on'. In that context, 'the bike' and the whole getting back on it had some real merit. Aren't we all glad that somebody did say that to us?

I’ve been on so many pushbike adventures and had I not been encouraged to ‘get back on’ I would’ve missed out on all that magic.

However what about in the metaphorical sense? Why is it we sometimes don't want to get back up or back on?

Is it because we have self doubt? Is it because it's too hard and we’re just too lazy to keep trying? Or is it because we are simply on the wrong bike?

I don't know about you, but this has definitely happened to me. Relationships is the first thing that comes to mind! I’ve also tried to work in a government job and was greeted with so much resistance when I declared it wasn’t for me. ‘Just be resilient’ I was told, and ‘this is great for building resilience’.

Then comes the internal barrage of rationale:

• What if we keep getting back on the bike too quickly and we never reflect long enough to learn why we fell off?

• Although we do need to keep getting back on to practise so we get better

• And we shouldn’t stay off the bike long enough that we give fear the opportunity to put us off totally

• But what if we are on the wrong bike altogether?

Indeed, what if we are actually on the wrong bike? What if we’ve outgrown that trusty little trike?

Is the bike you’re continually trying to ‘get back on’ dodgy and wobbly or do the wheels seem buckled or does the chain seem clunky? If so, why?

Are you trying to prove something to somebody? Are you trying to meet somebody else's needs, or unrealistic expectations? Are you battling the dreaded 'I should'?

What if the whole while you’ve been riding the wrong bike, the right bike is leaning against the wall out in the shed gathering dust, or even worse, rust?

What would be the harm in stopping for a short time just to reflect and consider the possibility of another bike?

What if that other bike was so much easier to ride but you'll never know because you keep crashing and getting frustrated with the dodgy one?

The next time things are so bloody hard and you feel like you don't have anymore to give, ask yourself 'am I actually on the right bike?’.

Maybe the dragster is way more your style than the BMX. Maybe it's time to give yourself a break, start from scratch, and get yourself a brand new bike. 

That’s what I’m doing and it feels great!

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast