Bullfrogs don't sleep

By Kerryn Vaughan

5th January 2022

Well, here we are after wishing farewell to 2021. It really was a year of keeping us up at night. Many people left their jobs as they realised the 9-5 wasn’t feeding their soul, yet still so many are procrastinating and pondering ‘What is it I really want to do?’. 

The truth is, we all intuitively know that answer, but our good old mate ‘self-doubt’ sits comfortably on our shoulder relentlessly whispering safety’s in our ear.

So what’s that thing that badgers the hell out of you and keeps you up at night?

That thing that asks you ‘What if…?’ ‘How can I…?’ Why can’t I…?’

My ‘keep me up at night’ is: 

‘What causes people to stay stagnant and not back themselves?’ 

‘Why do they feel like they don’t deserve to live a life of their own design?’

And then there’s the questioning of my own messaging:

‘What am I not saying, or how can I say it better?’ - in my obsession to get people to see that the often seemingly impossible is actually possible. 

I hit the pillow hard at night and I’m very quickly off with the fairies, but once Tinkerbell calls in the early hours of the morning for some bladder relief, that’s it!! My mind is like a very well stoked steam train!

Bullfrogs biologically don’t need sleep, apparently. Whoever figured that out must have had a grand old time relaxing by the lily pond!

But sleep for humans is so important! So many people have told me lately how exhausted they are, even after the break. I think some of this exhaustion is the dregs of 2021, but also the energy it takes to just prepare yourself to go back to work you don’t love. That feeling of having no choice.

We all do have a choice, but when the mortgage and ever increasing living expenses are crushing down upon us, we don’t feel like we do.

This year I’ve made the choice to spend way more time with those I love, and accept that I can’t be ‘on’ 24/7. I too have been working from home and have often fallen for the trap of not having the discipline to differentiate the office from the rest of the house.

Ducking in to send that one last email, just checking messages, typing the suddenly thought of whiz bang statement for the upcoming book or future blog, or just ‘quickly’ uploading that Youtube video. But I don’t want that this year.

I want doggy dates, and partner dates, and to see my family, and to walk along the river, and relax in the hammock, and pat the donkeys.

I’m focusing on the word ‘energy’, and trying to be more mindful about where I put my energy.

Life’s too short!

So back to you…

What keeps you up at night?

Where are you going to put your energy in 2022?

Happy New Year!

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast.

Kerryn is also a DISC ADVANCED® accredited consultant.

A big sigh to release 2021

By Kerryn Vaughan

22nd December 2021

I don’t know about you, but so many people I’ve worked with this year have told me that for the entire year (and 2020) they have felt like they’ve been holding their breath. Me too! On so many occasions I’ve literally noticed that I can’t even feel my lungs expanding. 

Thankfully we have a sighing reflex that kicks in to keep us alive. Did you know we sigh every 5 minutes? Neither did I until I read this great article from Science Alert. 

As the article states, we have been raised to consider sighing rude so we feel a little awkward when we do it. But maybe we should do it even more. Perhaps not in front of people when they’re talking to us, but to intentionally make the space for sighing.

In all honesty, 2021 hasn’t been easy and often it has felt like a totally trashed party that still went ahead even though nobody turned up. But living in constant annoyance with it doesn’t do us any good either. In fact it’s doing us more harm than we can imagine, physically, mentally and emotionally.

I’m not a medical expert and nor do I wish to be, but I reckon the best end of year gift we can give ourselves is a few good days of massive sighs to release the year that was. Accept it for what it was, accept that next year will be what it will be, and give yourself a break.

So as we transition into 2022, plan to rewrite your story despite how the environment around you unfolds. Take back your power, let this year go with some bloody big sighs, and leap into next year with love in your heart and gusto in your stride.

I look forward to joining you there!

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast.

Kerryn is also a DISC ADVANCED® accredited consultant.

Be a consistent tortoise

By Kerryn Vaughan

14th Dec 2021

No doubt you know the fable of the tortoise and the hare, but here’s a reminder, wrapped up succinctly…

One day the hare challenged the tortoise to a race. The hare made fun of the tortoise’s apparent weakness, which was for being so slow, and boasted with pride and arrogance that he would beat the tortoise to the finish line. 

Half way into the race, the hare thought he was so far ahead of the tortoise that he stopped to eat and sleep. But he overslept, leaving time for the slow and steady tortoise to pass him and make it over the finish line well before the hare. 

The tortoise was unwavering and focused on his goal, and accepted it would be a slow and steady journey, but he had faith that he would inevitably get there.

It turns out that the tortoise’s greatest weakness was also his greatest strength.

All my life I have pondered the whole tortoise and the hare fable, more often than not, seeing myself as the hare. I have had a tendency to dart here and dart there and move on quickly when things bored me.

However, over the past couple of years I’ve done a back flip on this and it hasn’t been an easy transition. It pained me to see how much time I wasted and how many things I didn’t end up completing because of this hare-like practice.

Always the great starter, but not always the great finisher.

By the way, I still default to the hare and it takes some effort to swing me back to the path of the tortoise!

When we act like the hare we burn out. We also burn bridges, and that in itself can lead to disaster.

The tortoise on the other hand gets things done. She completes things then moves onto the next thing with steadiness and the confidence that all will get done in good time.

The key word here is consistency.

Delivering consistent positive actions over time helps us build habits that will carry us through with less stress and better results.

Consistency builds trust and reliability.

Consistency also builds resilience, and we could all do with a little more of that right now.

So be like the tortoise. Commit to small daily positive actions that build the habits that will lead you to successful outcomes.

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast.

Kerryn is also a DISC ADVANCED® accredited consultant.

Everything is an inside job

By Kerryn Vaughan

9th September 2021

I don’t know about you, but I’ve had so much input these past 18 months that I can barely process another thought or opinion coming at me.

I decided that if I was going to be in lockdown for an expended period, then I might as well take the opportunity to learn and grow. I then got the bug! I love learning at the best of times but I think some kind of addiction started controlling me. I consumed anything I could get my hands on.

And then something happened. It all blew up in my face! I was burnt out and felt like the information coming my way suddenly turned into arrows all aiming at me at once.

My reaction was to take cover and never resurface! I rejected everything for several weeks and started noticing a big shift within me. Information and understandings I had been seeking, started floating to the surface. The ‘aha’ moments were profound and just what I needed to take the next steps.

I started reflecting on how we are incorrectly taught to believe that we should seek answers about ourselves from others. Yes, I know we have blind spots and sometimes an outside perspective can give us the nudge we need toward out growth, but what I’m really talking about here is making decisions about personal and impactful things.

We believe that others have some magic wand or crystal ball that can determine our path, and that should we pay attention to the learned we can get ourselves on the recommended path and discover our pot of gold.

Stop everything!!!

Maybe you’re hearing about where they found THEIR pot of gold. We are all so different and not all prophets will be presenting YOUR gold.

So where is our gold and how should we find it?

Well, it really is an inside job. We have to sit still enough and quiet enough to hear our inner voice because it always knows. Here’s a quick test…

Close your eyes and think about that thing you’ve always wanted to do. Now, ask yourself why you haven’t done it. 

Bam! There’s the answer right there. You heard it intuitively, but within 2-3 seconds you starting rationalising and had well organised and highly detailed justification list. This is where we start the journey down the self-doubt tunnel. What a waste!

We have to take notice of that split second message, accept it as the truth, and then have the courage to start asking ourselves the hard questions as to why we’re choosing to ignore it. We really need to unpack that message until we accept it as our truth.

We all know the answers already. We have to trust ourselves and stop feeding our limiting beliefs.

Save yourself so much time, energy and torment, and become friends with your inner guidance.

As I said, everything is an inside job!

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast.

Kerryn is also a DISC ADVANCED® accredited consultant.

We can't be everything to everyone!

By Kerryn Vaughan

7th April 2021

Typically, we have 4 days off over Easter. Some will celebrate their faith and whatever it is that Easter represents in that realm. Others will focus on the Easter Bunny fairytale. Others will have nothing to do with it, and some oppose it.

Nobody is right or wrong - it just is what it is to each of us personally.

For me, the few days off is a chance to down tools and take the time to breathe. 

But I went into the Easter break practically holding my breath as I was feeling like I was being pulled in multiple directions.

I became annoyed because all I wanted to do was spend time with those I love, and I felt there was just too much outstanding that was tearing me away from them.

My partner of course empathised with my predicament and asked the simple but profound question ‘what of all that stuff absolutely HAS to be done?’.

This halted me in my tracks.

The truth? Very little of it HAD to be done in the next few days. A lot of it was just me trying to be super responsive and not wanting to appear lazy or inconsiderate.

I also needed to say NO to a few things; something I often struggle with although I am getting better at it.

But why was this question so profound?

Because it made me surrender to the fact that you can’t be everything to everyone.

Sometimes you just have to let things go and focus on the things that are helping you move in the right direction.

I often ask myself the question - ‘Is it ON the way or IN the way?’

However, it seems I’d forgotten to do that too recently.

Perhaps we have a nutty switch inside of us that triggers whenever our routines are derailed, like these customary holidays.

Perhaps we need to learn to breath and make our own happiness a priority.

Perhaps we just need to say NO.

Here’s to only being some things to some people -  the right people!

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast.

Kerryn is also a DISC ADVANCED® accredited consultant.

How to feel alignment with your truth

By Kerryn Vaughan

26th March 2021

We spend a lot of years questioning what our path is in this life. Some might call it their purpose. Personally I like to call it my truth.

Most of us know there’s something much bigger at play than just our body filled with bones and juices. We intuitively know it. 

Sometimes there are unexplained occurrences, sometimes we get a feeling in our gut, and sometimes we just don’t feel right. We know in these moments that we should pay attention but we rarely do.

And fair enough! Because how do we know what’s causing this feeling?

Is it a real threat?

Is it my belief system telling me something that isn’t true?

Is it that part of my brain trying to keep me safe?

Is it something I’ve inherited from those around me?

Am I just scared and trying to justify it?

And if it’s an amazingly positive thing, we start to question if we’re just trying to make it something it isn’t.

Even worse, we downplay amazing things because we find it necessary to believe that inevitably something bad will happen to undo it - so let’s not get too happy!

But if we start to pay close attention to how we feel, we can actually determine whether we’re moving closer to alignment, or whether we’re straying a long way off track.

Why is this important? Because we all want our life to have meaning. We want to know that our life matters, and every single one of us deserves to feel the joy of bringing our unique set of gifts to the world.

We all know the difference between feeling good and feeling bad. So that’s easy. 

In essence, if we feel bad we are in conflict with our truth, and if we feel great we are in the flow of our truth.

Seems simple.

But what about those feelings that are hard to determine or distinguish?

The fear that arises when we’re about to give a speech, or do something new that scares the pants off us? Is this just excitement or am I being guided not to do it?

Consider for a moment that we are all energy. We vibrate at certain frequencies when we feel different things. For example, peace, joy and love have super high frequencies, and apathy, guilt and shame have very low frequencies.

So we can literally feel it in our bodies when we are vibrating fast or slow.

All day, every day, we are making decisions that are sending us in the direction of either hotter or colder.

When we are in alignment with our truth, we vibrate at a high frequency. We can barely even feel our body and it feels really light. We might even feel light headed if sudden exciting news is delivered. 

If this news or event is out of our comfort zone, we might look for excuses as to why we shouldn’t do it, but in the high vibration state, we won’t be able to find any.

We have high energy and enthusiasm, as well as having a feeling of acceptance and calm. Things take less effort, and we are highly engaged.

However, when we are moving further away from our truth, we vibrate at a low frequency. Our body feels heavy and we are very aware of pains and ailments. Our head feels heavy, and we justify our actions or avoidance with past-used and familiar excuses.

We’re lethargic, frustrated and lack motivation to even do things we enjoy. We use negative narratives and blame others for our situation. We become disengaged.

These are two very different states and easy to identify once you start practising feeling the vibration.

So start paying close attention to how you feel, and continually ask yourself ‘am I getting hotter or colder?’, and keep adjusting your calibrations to more often move closer to your hotter.

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast.

Kerryn is also a DISC ADVANCED® accredited consultant.

All we need is love

By Kerryn Vaughan

18th March 2021

Have you ever had a conversation with somebody and been compelled to say ‘I love you’, even though you knew it was unprofessional?

I have that urge almost every day, and often I do it.

So many people, especially on LinkedIn, show their strong, serious, professional side and believe that’s how you show confidence and competence. I strongly disagree. And yes, I will post this on LinkedIn, and yes, I know it will offend some people.

Where did we learn to be hard nosed and come to believe that the serious non-smile equates to competence? And why didn’t we learn that warmth and vulnerability earns far more trust and respect?

We have lost sight of the fact that humans with feelings and emotions and loved ones and lives lived, are our greatest asset and our greatest allies.

This saddens me.

At the end of our lives, our smart suit, professionally bound proposal, and results and metrics won’t be the measure of us. How we built relationships, showed compassion, and supported each other to have a life focused on wellbeing is what will matter. 

And the end is unavoidable - we are all heading in the same direction whether we like it or not!

Today I chatted with Danielle McAlpine Johnson as I interviewed her for my podcast. We shared tears for the lives that have been torn apart in East Gippsland, and we openly shared a mutual love and respect for each other because we each care so deeply for kindness and a better world.

This doesn’t make us unprofessional or weak. This makes us strong and compassionate and invested in the lives around us. We cheer for others and celebrate when they have wins. This is what the world needs more of.

Tonight as I write this, my heart is breaking. Tomorrow my beautiful pet cow, Gemma is going to heaven after a long battle with an infected udder. We tried over and over to make things better for her but her we couldn’t succeed.

I have faced comments like:

Oh well, she’s only a cow

Oh well, most cows don’t live this long

Oh well, she’s lucky she’s not mine, I would have sent her to the knackery long ago

Oh well, another can of dog food

The list goes on, and ‘oh well’ doesn’t cut it.

She’s not just a cow, she’s not dog food, she’s not a ‘thing’ who’s lucky she got to live longer than the average 6 years cows are ‘allowed’ to live because beyond that they provide no value.

She’s my beloved pet who I have loved, cuddled, and nurtured for the past 14 years. She is a living being who has the kindest heart and the sweetest nature. She cries, she relishes in the company of her best friend Jen, and she rushes over to me for cuddles. 

She closes her eyes and makes little sounds as she places her ear near my mouth so I can whisper to her. I love her and I will miss her, and she deserves better than the comments above.

So do many humans who we overlook because we are too busy being ‘professional’ and placing far too much value in our appearances.

No, I’m not saying all these things because I’m feeling over-emotional. I’m saying all these things because they are true and always on my mind. Tonight I just felt like it was time these things were laid on the table to resonate with who they will, and to offend who they will.

We are not moving fast enough in the direction of compassion - for animals, the planet, and humanity. We must stop the fakeness and the toughness and start being and showing who we were born to be.

Great leaders are already plugged into this, and we need more great leaders. Kindness is not weakness, vulnerability is not submissive. 

Every day we have a choice to lead this world to a better place, and every day we have a choice to be authentic. I choose to do both with pride.

“You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. I hope some day you’ll join us, and the world will be as one.” ~ John Lennon

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast.

Kerryn is also a DISC ADVANCED® accredited consultant.

The gender imbalance of playing small #IWD2021

By Kerryn Vaughan

9th March 2021

So often in my work I come across people who tell me they are ‘nobody special’, and it doesn’t stop there! They continue with the barrage and negative self-talk by telling me how they’re not good enough and that they have nothing to offer.

This is so common and is a result of thinking small. But let’s be clear here - you can be the tiniest little being and still make a massive difference. You know the saying:

“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito” ~ Dalai Lama

Yep, we all know the impact one little mozzie can have!

Unfortunately, there’s a gender imbalance in play here as most of the people who tell me they are too small, are women. Women have a natural tendency to downplay their skills, talents, and abilities.

It’s International Women’s Day (week), and I’m not going to let the opportunity slip to smash this myth. The following case in point is not about a woman who set out to challenge the imbalance, but a woman who’s heart hurt so much that she was prepared to override her fear and belief that she was too small.

Last week I chatted with Jennifer George, a woman with a massive heart who was left feeling heartbroken and helpless after a trip to Nepal where she witnessed malnourished dogs with terrible health issues, some even limping around on exposed bone! 

As well, she witnessed some incredible human rights breaches that are just so horrible I’ll spare the details.

The bottom line is, that Jennifer went back to her hotel room, closed the door and cried for hours, every single day of what was supposed to be an enjoyable trip and a great opportunity to snap some wonderful photos.

She felt defeated and believed she was too small to do anything about what she was witnessing.

But what she saw hurt her heart so badly that she couldn’t stop thinking about it, and over and over she thought “there must be something I can do?”. The anguish of that question gripped her heart and paralysed action. But finally she got so mad that she made her move.

She started asking questions of people until finally she got some answers and some hope. Long story short, she founded the Magic Marble Foundation, and in just a few months has mobilised a school refurbishment in Nepal and has set up an animal rescue centre in Costa Rica.

Every single person on this planet can make a difference. Even a little smile can save somebody’s life.

If you were to take every ‘small’ gesture or action and compound them, it wouldn’t be long at all before you made a big impact. 

It’s about the tiny steps and tiny actions we take each and every day that make a difference, and there is absolutely no evidence that women can make less impact. Let’s go girls!

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast.

Kerryn is also a DISC ADVANCED® accredited consultant.

The bridge to your magnificent future

By Kerryn Vaughan

2nd March 2021

Seven years ago I wrote the book ‘Magnificent Kids!’ which featured 23 superheroes who had the courage and belief that they could change the world, and indeed they did. All of these superheroes started projects before the age of 18, some as young as 7!

They truly believed that if they saw a solution, then there must be a way of bringing that to life. They still carried that childhood idealism that they could play out the same type of heroism as the superheroes they were watching on TV.

As young as they were, they inspired me to believe and then to act.

One thing led to another, and a year later I founded One Planet Classrooms, a Not For Profit that supports schools and communities in Uganda. I believed I could build a bridge to help kids in Australia Skype from their classroom to kids in Africa.

Within a couple of weeks, 40 plus African schools were registered to be a part of this program. But the truth is, I failed. I saw the possibility in this great opportunity and nothing was stopping me. What should have stopped me were three things:

• The difficulty in getting laptops into Uganda

• The fact that the kids in Africa were in bed when the kids in Australia were in school

• The issue of 95% of Uganda not even having access to power (I sent laptops without thinking about this)

But what happened in that realisation and failing, was that I saw the opportunity to create an even better future. I learned that girls were the ones fetching water. Some as young as 3, and many were being sexually assaulted along the path to fetch water. I also learned that kids were dying from drinking filthy water from stagnant ponds.

My solution was to pivot and start enabling clean water solutions like tanks and wells. Many other amazing projects have come to fruition through One Planet Classrooms, but the take away is this:

When we build bridges, magic happens.

Over the many years of blessing this life with our presence, we have become enslaved to the habit of building walls instead of bridges. More quickly believing we can’t, than believing we can.

The walls keep us in the past and prevent us from taking courageous steps over that bridge toward designing the future we would like to see. They keep us safe because there’s a level of comfort within those walls. We may not like what’s happening in there, but we are comfortable nonetheless. We have formed an unholy alliance with the demons that keep us playing small.

Humans are motivated by the avoidance of pain, or the attainment of gain (reward). Unless we’re talking about shoving a burger in our mouths, or some other form of instant gratification, regardless of the pain we know it may cause long term, we are way more often motivated by avoiding pain. 

Often this is because when we think about changing anything in our lives, we feel an instant discomfort, so we choose to avoid it. And when we think about making changes in our lives, there is a massive unknown. We’d all like to have a life that we imagine we could have, but because it’s not tangible, we revert back to the comfort of staying where we are.

So we build walls to prevent us crossing the bridge and moving forward. But walls also keep the sunshine out.

What if we could in fact design our future, and with some persistence we could actually make it happen?

Sound enticing, or at least intriguing?

Our life doesn’t have to be just one of settling, or of being enslaved by fear, or playing small. We have the capacity and self determination at our finger tips to literally design our future.

Many people have done it, many are doing it, and many will do it in the future. Will you join the 1 in 10 who takes action?

Here are 3 things that will help get you there faster:

• Visualise yourself in the future and notice what you are doing, where you are, who’s around you etc

• Write it down in detail and draw it (yes with coloured pencils)

• Take action! Determine the very first step, no matter how small, and do it.

Think, do, or feel something in line with this vision every single day.

A bridge joins two worlds - where I am now and where I want to be. Dare to cross that bridge!

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast.

Kerryn is also a DISC ADVANCED® accredited consultant.

Is being nice the same as being kind?

By Kerryn Vaughan

23rd Feb 2021

Do you ever have a conversation with somebody and walk away thinking “she’s nice”?

I know I’m as guilty as the next person for doing this. Especially when you first meet somebody and they do and say all the right things and make you feel good. Essentially they fluff you up and your ego gets a bloody good stroke! Who doesn’t want to feel that lightness and joy, if only for a fleeting moment? It feels great and at the end of the day, that wonderful feeling is what we’re all chasing.

But then a day or two later you start to think about the little things that person said and wonder if they were being patronising. And then all the other stuff kicks in. What if they don’t like me and they were just pretending to? What if they were just agreeing with me, but didn’t really agree under the surface?

Ultimately, this leaves us wondering. Sometimes down track they even let us down with a very solid thump. 

Now, before we all start doubting every person we ever cross paths with, I’m not saying this is true of everybody. I know from most of my experiences it isn’t.

The truth is, and I’m ashamed to admit it, that I’ve done this to others and no doubt so have you. So, before we start pointing fingers, let’s all drop the perfection act and start to consider how we interact with others and how they interact with us. Perhaps a better word than interact could be influence.

Last week in my blog about whether the oxygen mask analogy actually works, I said:

“There’s a difference between being nice and being kind. Being nice perpetuates people pleasing, and being kind creates healthy boundaries and sustainable actions whereby everybody can enjoy a win.”

Let’s unpack that…

Does being nice perpetuate people pleasing? Yes, I think it does. And I’m not alone in thinking this. In my circle alone, I hear a number of women talking about this and agreeing that when we’re ‘nice’ to somebody it often means we say what they want to hear, and not what we really mean because we don’t want to offend them. 

Yep that sure is nice, and I guess the other person can toddle off none the wiser, feeling quite chuffed with themselves - like I mentioned at the start of this article. 

BUT what about when it extends to a request for you to give something - perhaps your time.

This could include things like going to a party, taking care of their kids, driving them to another town. Or even worse, popping over for a coffee which you already know will end up in a 3hr gossip session that you don’t want to partake in. You already know you’ll be completely drained by the end of the session.

My worst nightmare!

Think about this for a moment. Why would we agree to do something we don’t want to do? To be seen to be nice?

When we say yes to something we don’t want to do, we are essentially saying no to something that does matter to us. Loved ones, health, leisure time, work we need to catch up on because we’re stressed from being behind.

Saying yes to somebody else simply because you are trying to be nice will not help your situation. It will make you feel lousy, resentful, stressed and powerless.

Why would we do this to ourselves?

How often were you told as a child to “be nice”? Even as young children we feel the energy of the undertone that is really saying ‘smile and be tolerant’. Inferring that as long as we use good manners and behave in a way that doesn’t rock the boat, then all will be fine with the world.

It’s really saying “just be fake and smile a lot and learn to keep your voice suppressed”.

Imagine the world if we could change the parenting paradigm to teaching our kids to ‘be kind’.

Being kind means being kind to the other person as well as to yourself, and I believe we should extend the kindness to ourselves first. There’s a good reason why the oxygen mask analogy has stood the test of time.

If we don’t take care of ourselves, we are no good to anybody, and none of us deserve to live a stressful life simply because of the expectations of others.

Let’s be honest here, if the other person was actually being kind, they’d be considerate and not want to put you under pressure. They’d be thoughtful about what matters to you.

Don’t get me wrong here - I don’t think any of us should just start swinging out truth bombs and hurting people all over the place - that’s not nice or kind. I’m just saying we need to treat each other and ourselves with respect, consideration, and create and maintain healthy boundaries.

Having said all that, there are exceptions. Sometimes situations call upon us to extend ourselves, which means being put out and letting something that matters to us slip by the wayside. For example, if somebody is in a crisis, I believe we should help IF we have the physical and mental capacity to do so.

Outside of a crisis, be aware of the patterns of others. I always like to give people the benefit of the doubt and always anticipate their motivations to be above board. Yes, that expectation has let me down many times over, but I want to believe people are innately good. That feeds my hope.

BUT, if a toxic pattern starts to emerge then it’s time to give them the flick. That’s their crap, not yours, and you have not been given this one precious life to squander on eggshell tip-toeing around somebody else’s inadequacies. 

I know it’s not easy, because they have a gigantic box of manipulation tools and those super-sized power tools do a bloody good job on our vulnerabilities!

Things like:

• If you really cared you would…

• Don’t worry about it, I’ll ask somebody who cares

• I thought you’d want to…

• Don’t worry about me, I’ll work it out somehow

• Please!!!!!!!! I need you!!!!! You’re my bestie!!!!!

• Come on, you’ll love it when you get there

• What are you being so hoity toity about?

• Oh, you’re suddenly too good hey?

• Well I don’t know what I’ll do now if you don’t help me

The list goes on and on and on, and can often include pitching you against somebody else, either by comparison or the threat of you being replaced by another. And we haven’t even started on the threats that panic your FOMO!

Look, that tool box is ingenious and works overtime to pull at every little crack in our armour.

Don’t fall for it! And if you happened to be sucked in once or twice, please learn to say NO.

You are not a puppet and why should you be pulled all over the place just because you want to be seen as nice.

Just be kind, and especially to yourself.

That means creating respectful boundaries for you and others, but it also means being compassionate and extending yourself in genuine times of need. It means caring because you truly do care, and it means caring that the other person reciprocates in a respectful, considerate way.

And if all that doesn’t convince you, because you still doubt whether or not you’re worth it, then do it for the third party being negatively impacted by you being nice. 

For example, if you are pressured into agreeing to a girls weekend away, but by doing so you are saying no to your kids who are struggling with a lack of quality time with you, what are you doing to them and what message are you sending?

Kindness is not a fluffy extra - it’s essential for each of us, for future generations, society, the planet, and humanity. Kindness is our lifeblood. 

Kindness is strength and authenticity.

Let’s all hit reset and share the love. 

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast.

Kerryn is also a DISC ADVANCED® accredited consultant.

Does the oxygen mask analogy actually work?

By Kerryn Vaughan

17th February 2021

We often hear that age old adage, ‘put your own oxygen mask on before helping others’. It seems logical right? Otherwise you’ll run out of air and won’t be able to help anybody.

For years I ignored this advice and did anything I could to keep the oxygen flowing to everybody else. I even recall a conversation with a friend who was brutally adamant that the act of taking care of yourself first was completely selfish. You can guess what came next - I felt guilty if I put any care into myself.

Lately, I’m seeing things very differently. I am taking care of myself and I’m so thankful I was pushed over the edge by the pandemic.

The way I see it, there are three choices:

1 - Take care of others and ignore yourself

2 - Take care of yourself and ignore others

3 - Take care of yourself and also help others

When you look at it like that, it makes perfect sense, and of course number 3 is the standout. But we often burn out helping others because we’ve been brainwashed to believe it’s selfish to put ourselves first.

I’ve spent many years volunteering, developing programs that empower others, pouring hours into my Not For Profit, One Planet Classrooms, among many other things, without any return for myself. Specifically lets take a moment to look at the One Planet Classrooms scenario.

One Planet Classrooms supports schools and communities in Africa; mostly Uganda. People are truly suffering and often starving. Women are being brutally assaulted and young girls abused. Girls who have barely reached their teenage years are being married off to men in their 30s and 40s, and the abuse continues. They are merely worth a few weeks of alcohol the father can buy with the money the husband-to-be paid for her. So anybody in their right mind would put these people first in an attempt to provide any support possible.

But that’s where I was wrong.

Always putting them first meant that my health took a dive and I was no good to anybody, and everything fell behind. That was last year and I still haven’t caught up. Had I taken care of myself first and paced myself, everything would still be running smoothly.

On this week’s Get Off The Bench podcast I chat with the incredible Hacia Atherton about taking care of yourself. What does Hacia know about this? She was crushed by her horse and spent many months in hospital not knowing if she would ever walk again. So far she has endured 13 surgeries and there are more to come. Hacia fell into a deep depression but finally decided she was worth more and fought back, even completing her CPA from her hospital bed.

Essentially she put herself first and recovered to be the best version of herself. She now helps others by sharing her inspiring story to give hope to others. But not just that. She recently founded ‘Empowering Women in Trades’ to help bring opportunities to women so they can have a great career in a trade. She is now helping so many others simply because she put herself first.

This is not a selfish act, and if done well, it is in fact a selfless act.

There’s a difference between being nice and being kind. Being nice perpetuates people pleasing, and being kind creates healthy boundaries and sustainable actions whereby everybody can enjoy a win.

So, does the oxygen mask analogy actually work? It most certainly does!

I have two questions for you…

Are you a 1, 2 or 3?

How much do you believe you are worth it?

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast.

Kerryn is also a DISC ADVANCED® accredited consultant.

Life's way too short!

By Kerryn Vaughan

1st February 2021

Today is the 18th anniversary of my younger sister leaving this life. She was just 33, and at the time of her passing she left behind twin boys aged 7, and a little girl aged 4.

This article isn’t about being a victim or a ploy for sympathy. It’s a wake up call to all of us.

Why do we continue to live mediocre lives? Maybe we live a life that we believe to be successful, but that success is measured by the expectations or values of somebody else, or maybe we just don’t feel the buzz despite having all the material things surrounding us. 

More so, why do some of us continue to zombie our way through a life that makes us unhappy? 

I’m not posing these questions because I wonder if this is happening. I’m putting it out there, front and centre, because I KNOW it’s happening.

Don’t we realise how precious this life is? Every single day that passes, we can never have it back.

Have I struck a chord? Have I given you a pang in the heart? Are you thinking this is too heavy and you might just close the page? Don’t do that! Have the courage to sit it in for a few minutes and decide what matters to you, simply because you are worth it.

I would give anything to have my sister back, but no matter how hard I might wish for that it will never happen. The opportunity is gone.

We must decide what matters and pursue that with every last ounce of energy we can muster.

We can’t sit on the sidelines and play small. We can’t bash our way through each day making somebody else happy but suffering ourselves. We can’t keep saying “I wish I could…”. Just do that damn thing!

Yesterday I saw that a friend of mine passed away over the weekend. She was only in her 40’s. She was incredible and dedicated her entire life to speaking out against animal abuse. Because of her, thousands of cats and other animals have been spared cruel and torturous experimentation.

She was also the very person who helped catapult one of my songs to the world stage. She saw something in me that I couldn’t see, and still I didn’t truly pursue that dream with all I could have. She changed many lives, she was a hero, and she made her life count.

I also talked to another lady last week who lost her sister to cancer. She was reflecting on this because right now she is the same age her sister was when she was given her diagnosis.

Her reflection was, that if her sister had to go through losing her life, then why is she worrying about little things like fear of not putting her work out there. Especially when her work helps people to get their message out and make a better world.

A few weeks ago I interviewed Trav Bell, The Bucket List Guy. His motto is ‘Life’s too short!’. Too right it is Trav! Way too short! Trav inspires people to get some things on a bucket list and go do them!

What’s that thing you want to do?

What’s stopping you?

Speaking of what’s stopping you, in my many years of helping people to get off the bench in various ways, there are 5 things that always come up as roadblocks.

• Self-doubt

• Imposter Syndrome

• Overwhelmed by the big picture

• Not knowing where to start

• Fear of: failure, rejection, criticism

I covered self doubt in last week’s blog, so in the coming weeks I’ll dig deeper into the others and give you some great tips to overcome them. But also consider that sometimes you just have to go around them.

Many people have also told me they don’t know what really lights them up. My answer to that? Just try a bunch of things. You’ll soon work out what makes you feel good and what doesn’t. And don’t wait to be perfect - there’s no such thing!

If you want to sing karaoke - do it!

If you want to play guitar - do it!

If you want to fly a drone - do it!

If you want to travel for 3 months - do it!

If you want to have a go at a side hustle - do it!

Start living your life the way you want to from this very moment. Right here, right now! 

If you haven’t already, download my guide ‘6 steps to kickstarting your idea’.

And for God’s sake, have fun!

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast.

Kerryn is also a DISC ADVANCED® accredited consultant.

Try this simple process to alleviate self-doubt

By Kerryn Vaughan

25th January 2021

When I was a kid, all I wanted to be was a rockstar. The thought of being on a massive stage performing to thousands gave me the biggest buzz.

But in my mid-teenage years, that buzz turned to blood freezing horror. I lived in a small country town where everybody knew everybody, and if someone decided to tell a story about you, the whole town heard it. That didn’t leave much room for doing something embarrassing that you wouldn’t want to be reminded about for years to come.

I was 15, I was the guitarist (not a great one) for a band that had only formed a few weeks before and we’d rehearsed maybe 4 times. We had a female singer, who decided to quit the night before our very first gig. Let me be clear here - we were not good!

Upon receiving the news that she would not be singing the next night, the boys turned to me and said “You’ll have to sing, you’re a girl”. Wait! What? Me? I can’t sing! Just because I’m a girl doesn’t mean I can sing. I was terrified!

The next night my Dad loaded all of us and our gear into his station wagon and drove us to the local pub. We played. I sang. It was awful! We even had people throw money at us, and while I’d love to think it was out of appreciation, I really think it was their way of begging us to stop.

This experience bore absolutely no resemblance to the ‘on-stage’ fantasy I’d held so preciously, but regardless, self-doubt and all, I did it! I moved though the fear. It wasn’t great, but I came out the other end having achieved the thing I doubted I could pull off.

We often feel like we’re the only ones suffering these frightening thoughts and feelings, and we so easily convince ourselves that everybody around us absolutely has their shit together.

The truth is, very few people actually DO have their shit together. Self-doubt plagues all of us and we become masters of excuses and inaction, to our own detriment, and very often to the detriment of others. They miss out on the magic you can bring!

I went on to entertain thousands over the years, and I did reach a point where I strutted the big stage and commanded the vibe and excitement of the crowds.

But had I not pushed through all those years ago, those same people would never have had the pleasure of those moments of being completely free and ‘in the zone’.

The process…

Think about the things you’ve achieved in the past.

• Getting your drivers licence

• Giving a presentation

• Paying that first bill online

• Figuring out how to use a smart phone

• Submitting your first assignment

• Learning a computer program

This list could be a mile long.

There are 3 stages we need to move through when achieving a task.

Before, during, and after.

It’s very likely the thing you are having self-doubt feelings or beliefs about is something you consider to be big and not just something as simple as hanging out the washing.

If you do have something big on your mind, try this process and hopefully it will bring an entirely new perspective about self-doubt and whether it sits within the realm of genuine reality or perceived reality. 

For the sake of this exercise, think of one thing you’ve achieved in the past and really get into the zone.

1. How did you feel in the lead up to doing this thing?

2. How did you feel while doing this thing?

3. How did you feel after this thing? Once it was achieved?

It may have looked something like this…

Before: self-doubt / fear - OMG I have no idea how, or if I can do this.

During: Oh, this isn’t too bad - I’m getting there.

After: Wow, I did it! I feel incredible!

Most big things start with self-doubt, but by reminding yourself of this process whenever confronted with these crippling feelings, there’s every chance you’ll breeze through it.

So, what’s the next big thing you’re now ready to achieve?

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast.

Kerryn is also a DISC ADVANCED® accredited consultant.

How to stop monkey mind and unlock your creativity

By Kerryn Vaughan

19th January 2021

So, here we are in 2021 facing yet another year of uncertainty. We all vowed this year would be better than last, and for us in Australia, Covid seemed to have moved its little butt on.

We made New Year's resolutions with confidence. But by now most of those resolutions have started to fizzle, and particularly around food intake as we realise we’re in for the long haul whether we like it or not. 

Last year we all refused to believe the pandemic would deeply impact us. Well, at least for the first few weeks. Then suddenly we realised this wasn't something that would be resolved in a few weeks, and not even in a few months. Some of us knew deep down it was likely to be two or more years. 

We then crazily threw ourselves into a frantic search for how we could do things differently, while at the same time accepting the situation we couldn't change. The word ‘pivot’ became the most used word on earth, then very quickly the most despised!

But now, as we've hit the new year, we need to go way beyond pivoting and all the dreaded emotions that go with it. We need to find some acceptance and slow down our frantic rampaging. 

So many of us have wound ourselves up so much that if we release the spring suddenly, we’ll fling to some far-off corner of the planet and face-plant the ground like never before!

We’ve been head down and bum up for the entire year, trying to frantically unhinge that emergency boat from the shed roof, work out where we should aim it, try to decipher a foreign map and the instruction manual, while simultaneously navigating 3 metre waves, AND somehow adjust those heavy damn sails!

Frankly, most of us have experienced burnout from trying so hard to manage the change, stay upright and cheery, and play constant catch up. My 8 ball went down the drain the minute travel was cancelled, but it gave me a good realisation kick in the butt that I was relying too heavily on one area of work. 

By the end of 2020, I was completely exhausted. It was as if my right brain had completely deserted me and jumped on a plane to Bora Bora, leaving my left brain to sit and stare at the screen with only enough energy to mindlessly scroll. 

Unable to articulate where I was heading and exactly what my precise niche was, despite being extensively familiar with what I specialise in, that negative, chatty monkey mind started giving me hell.

I know I’m not alone with this, and I’ve watched too many crash and burn because they have been trying to pretend they were A-OK, and ‘on top’ of their game. I just don’t understand why we feel we need to do that. Nevertheless, let’s move on…

For the last few weeks of the year I battled with thoughts of defeat and even considered finding a mindless job working for somebody else. Again, I know we’ve all been there!

But there’s something about the entrepreneurial spirit, the optimist, that just won’t let you go there. That spirit that’s always breaking its neck trying to peek around the next corner truly believing the next big thing is about to reveal itself in an electrifying display of hypnotic fireworks.

So we keep pressing on…

When I finally found some downtime over the Christmas break, I recognised that it was nothing more than pure burnout. My right brain had indeed gone on holidays because that's exactly where it needed to be. I didn't have a creative bone left in my body. Not one fancy word!

No blogs, no content, no jokes, no newsletters - nothing!

Still with me? Good! Because this is where it gets better.

Almost out of nowhere, everything changed. By accident, I stumbled upon a mindless little app called Happy Color.

For a bit of fun, I downloaded it and completed a couple of pics. The first was fun. The second was fun. The third was boring. The fourth morphed into mindless scrolling, but by the time I was doing the fifth and sixth, I noticed something happening with my mind.

I started dreaming up a bunch of fantastic ideas. Suddenly words and ideas and concepts that I just couldn't find for the entirety of 2020, were flowing effortlessly through my mind and out my mouth. I’m not going to say my partner was loving it, but I was!

My creativity was back!!

Only because I gave myself permission to simply stop, and to engage in mindless activity. We hear so many things about mindfulness, taking time out, resting the mind, meditating and all those ‘in the moment’ things, but we rarely do it. 

We don’t have to sit there with our legs folded, fingertips touching and poised, and chanting OM over and over while the birds make a nest in our hair. The simple act of just surrendering and switching our brain off, colouring in or whatever else takes your fancy, also constitutes meditation. 

So this year, make a pact with yourself not to let the days fold into one big hairy ball that chokes your dreams. Find something mindless or mindful to do, and commit even a tiny slice of time each day to just stop. 

I’ve given myself permission to just sit with a cat on my lap and allow the creativity to flow, while enjoying the wonderful colours as they drop onto the screen as if my fingertips behold some kind of magical power. 

What will you give yourself permission to do?

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast

Kerryn is also a DISC ADVANCED® accredited consultant.

How will 2021 be different for you?

By Kerryn Vaughan

12th January 2021

I don’t know about you, but last year gave me the chance to stop and really think about what was important in my life. My list was quite long, but the highlights focused around owning my time more and not getting dragged into chasing shiny silver rabbits. I have a tendency to do that!

Essentially I want to do more of what matters to me.

All the work I do with people is to help them design their own life, or at the very least, show them it’s possible and that they have the power within to write their next chapter. Seems simple. But us humans are so steeped in negative thoughts and self talk, that we really struggle to take back the reigns and declare “this is my life and I will be the driver!”.

Why? Most often I hear things about ‘not wanting to rock the boat’ or ‘I can’t be bothered with the arguments’ or ‘god my mother would be mortified if I did what I wanted to’. 

There’s also the ‘yeah I do want to, but…’ and the reasons that follow are things to do with the partner, job, children, money etc.

Often, living the life you would love to design comes with the belief that to achieve this you must free fall off the cliff and abandon everything you have spent your life building. This couldn’t be further from the truth.

In fact, greater success comes from just taking small steps. Every time we take one tiny step and achieve success, we are motivated to take the next tiny step. Within a very short period of time we are walking to the beat of a much happier drummer, and things are changing around us. Things we didn’t even take action on. That’s how brilliant the magical energy of tiny steps is.

So what do you want to be different in 2021?

Do you want a new career, to be healthier, a better communicator, save more money, move home, build a home office, begin or master a hobby, start a side hustle, have more weekends away, get date nights back into the diary.

Maybe it’s improving a work partnership or a personal relationship. If this is high on your list, I have a fantastic psychometric tool in my bag of tricks that can have your communication and understanding of each other leaping to new heights in a very fast, affordable and fun way. So reach out and ask me about that if relationships is a priority for you this year.

In the end, nobody has the perfect life, and we all have something in mind we’d like to achieve or make better. So why not start 2021 doing this:

• Find 20 minutes to really imagine how you’d like your life to be

• Note the thing that would truly be a game changer for you

• Start moving towards it

Your teeny weeny starting point can be as simple as googling that topic to become more inspired. It might be telling somebody, or writing it down. These are the simplest of steps, but they are the most important. They are the tiny steps that start building momentum.

Maintaining momentum is just as simple. Spend as many 2 minute blocks in each day as possible, really FEELING how this new goal feels, and just keep moving in that direction.

I’d love to know what you’re taking action on! You can email me via my website kerrynvaughan.com

Today is the first day of the rest of your life - use it well!

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast

Kerryn is also a DISC ADVANCED® accredited consultant.

How being kind can actually save your life

By Kerryn Vaughan

13th November 2020

Today is World Kindness Day (Nov 13th) and people from all around the world will feel warm and fuzzy and find a way to undertake a random act of kindness (RAK). The feeling will be incredible and they may or may not tell anybody about it. Let’s face it, most of us are screaming inside to tell others what a great deed we did.

But often we don’t because we worry that people will criticise us for bragging, and in some cases we actually feel guilty that we had to wait for a dedicated day to do what we wish we had the motivation to do every day.

Often we think of the quick and easy pay-it-forward coffee, which is an incredible gift and truly brightens the day of the person receiving the love. But it doesn’t have to be something that costs money. Many people have been hit financially because of the pandemic, and on days like today the feeling of being disheartened is often amplified. We’d genuinely like to do something kind for others but we don’t think we can.

So here are a few ideas that are completely free:

• Cut some flowers and give them to a neighbour

• Text somebody to let them know you’re thinking of them

• Call somebody and check in

• Send an email to somebody telling them they are doing a great job

• Record a 30 second video for somebody and DM it to them

• Put a post on social media as a shout out to somebody for being awesome

• Take an elderly neighbour’s dog for a walk

• Offer to mow somebody’s lawn or weed their garden

• Bring the neighbour’s rubbish bin in

• Provide a free consultation

• Make an extra plate of dinner for an isolated neighbour

• Run somebody a bath

I am holding back a bit here because we’re still a little restricted with movement and access, but by now you can see there are plenty of options. I’m sure you could add a stack of things to this list within minutes.

The most simple action of all - just smile at somebody. It’s good for them but also good for you!

But how long will the kind acts last?

Will we continue to do kind things on a regular basis, or will it fizzle out because the dedicated day has come and gone?

What if being kind was actually helpful AND healthy? What if simply by being kind, you are increasing your lifespan. Well no more ‘what if’s’. Being kind really does help you live longer, so that in itself should be enough to motivate us to be kind as often as possible.

Now when I say ‘as often as possible’, we all know it’s near impossible to be walking around all day being happy with everything. That’s not realistic. Nor does it mean we should be fake nice and think that’s kindness. It isn’t!

I admit, I’m a firecracker. I really do crack it at times and while I could probably try a little harder to control myself, I often don’t. In my defense (OK I’m pushing it a bit now), almost all of my ‘cracking it’ episodes happen because I have seen somebody being unkind to somebody else. Yes that triggers me, and I let rip. Truth be told, I don’t even feel guilty! 

But ‘cracking it’ sessions aside (which we all have), being kind on a regular basis has a long list of health benefits.

Kindness does great things to your body!

Research has linked kindness to releases in oxytocin (the love hormone), dopamine (the feel good hormone), and serotonin (the mood regulator).

There’s also evidence that shows kindness increases energy, happiness, pleasure, and even lifespan. Equally important, kindness has been shown to decrease pain, stress, anxiety, depression and blood pressure.

The Greater Good Science Centre at UC Berkeley studies kindness, and Professor Dr. Dacker Keltner, says “As you practice kindness it shifts your nervous system and makes you healthier”.

These benefits are only the tip of the iceberg, but they are enough to show us that kindness is not a fluffy extra, and should be included in our every day actions. The good news is, kindness can be learned so this means it’s readily available to anybody who wishes to have a more meaningful life. That pretty much means everybody!

So there you have it - kindness can save your life, and may even save somebody else’s. There’s a good reason we are called ‘humankind’.

Here’s to a world filled to the brim with regular random acts of kindness.

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast

The world needs more champions - period!

By Kerryn Vaughan

13th September 2020

When COVID-19 started, many of us thought it was a very inconvenient thing that would last a few weeks, and then like the flu would be gone. In fact it was a bit of a novelty and had us glued to the screens like we were watching any other major natural disaster.

But then something happened. We all started to realise that this was not a small inconvenience, it wasn’t going away in the next few weeks. Or months. And now we are left wondering if this will ooze itself over years. 

There’s no escaping the fact that over the coming years it will have a profound ongoing impact economically, and will also cause horrendous strain on the already insufficient mental health system. Sadly, we just have to accept that and find a way to cope.

Then we started hearing things like ‘now more than ever…’. This call out attached itself to resilience, leadership, coping skills, IT, remote learning, remote working, resourcefulness - you name it! But my question is ‘why now more than ever?’.

If we look over history, there have been some really shitty things happen. Wars, other pandemics, terrorism, the holocaust - again the list goes on and on. These things induce a massive sense of urgency to ‘fix things’ so we can get back to our normal lives. They also induce a massive sense of chronic despair.

This time is no different - we just live in a different age of technology and logistics. This time we are suffering so badly with disconnection, yet we have never been so bombarded and surrounded by quick fix connection solutions - and let’s give a big shout out to Zoom!

Despite the immediacy of virtual connection (which I know isn’t the same as physical connection), daily I see suicide rate increases, videos on social media from friends confessing to not managing, and images of the horrid violence humans are inflicting on one another - all under the banner of ‘I can’t cope’.

So back to my question - Why ‘now more than ever’?

I’m going to target this question at stepping up and being a champion for others. Why do we wait for shit to go down - and I really do mean BIG shit!

Why does it take extreme adversity to make us act; to share our gifts with the world?

I was interviewing Rachel Dayoub yesterday for my Get Off The Bench podcast. Rachel set up a self defence initiative for women after she was stalked by two men and she feared for her life. You can hear that episode in October when she tells us about Whispering Force.

Sometimes we have a great idea to help others but don’t do it due to fear, self-doubt, not knowing where to start - you get the point. And sometimes we are confronted with a life-changing situation, and THEN we step up.

Now don’t get me wrong, this didn’t cross Rachel’s mind until she was confronted with it, so I think she did her part in a wonderful way. But some of us KNOW already there is a need to step up for others, and we don’t act. Why?

Why are we not champions every single day? Why do we say things like “Somebody should do something”. There is a great saying about that, and it finishes with - ‘Hang on, I am somebody - I should do something’.

We need champions, every single bloody day of every single week of every single month of every single year! So why not become one now?

Why are we always waiting for other people to step up, the whole time picking fault at those who do? 

Because we always believe that we don't have the power ourselves, or the skills, strengths, knowledge or capacity, to do it. And the one that grates me to the core - I’m not qualified!

Every single person has a champion within them, and every single person can make the world better for at least one other human being. Special people don’t make change - change happens when ordinary people step up to become the extraordinary person they have always been but didn’t know it or believe it.

So we don’t need champions ‘now more than ever’, we need more champions - period!

What will you do today that puts you back in control, and simultaneously creates a better world?

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast

Resilience - Are you on the wrong bike?

By Kerryn Vaughan

29th July 2020

How many times have you heard the word ‘resilience’ lately? I don’t know about you, but since the pandemic started I’ve heard or read it over and over - daily. In relation to the pandemic, I agree - if we don’t find some resilience the whole thing will very quickly get on top of us and we will surely suffocate. 

But what about aside from the pandemic?

What about life in general?

The Merriam-Webster dictionary gives the definition of resilience as: ‘an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change’.

I’m not convinced the majority of us can ‘adjust easily’, or quickly. But I do like the word ‘adjust’ and that it conjures up the idea of changing course. I’m not for a moment saying that life doesn’t throw us some curve-balls that are impossible to avoid and are often not of our own doing. For example, car accidents, illnesses that surprise us out of nowhere, or the sudden collapse of some financial stronghold we once had security in.

But more specifically I’m referring to the way we go about our lives, continually re-living patterns that just don’t serve us. Often we don’t even see that we’re doing that. We just put it down to ‘life’ and ‘it’s just the way it is’. This wears us incredibly thin over time.

For years we have heard people say things like 'stop being a sook’, 'don't give up’, 'hustle and grind’, ‘just give it another crack’ - almost demanding immediacy and urgency. Insinuating to some degree that when things don’t go our way or get too hard, we need to just suck it up and get on with it. Maybe even that we’re not trying hard enough or that we’re not tough enough. We are often way too quick to wildly wave the resilience umbrella. 

But do these things really help build resilience, or do they make us feel like a failure if we struggle to meet these obligations, expectations and demands? I don’t think I’m far from the mark suggesting that most of us interpret this as ‘I’m not good enough’.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for working hard, but there’s a distinct difference between working hard and hard work. Take for example a relationship. We should all commit to trying our hardest and doing ‘our bit’ to contribute, and at times we do have to push a little harder than other times. But, if a relationship is ‘hard work’, then maybe it’s the wrong relationship.

The same applies to our life. In a recent blog I talked about how we’re all too often pushing against a brick wall, exhausting ourselves, when the door is right there - just two feet away, and we miss it. The door that opens with the slightest touch. The door that is meant for us when the brick wall isn’t. When we are doing what we’re supposed to be doing and in the flow, doors open almost by magic.

So with this continual ‘brick wall pushing’ futility exhausting us, I wonder how many times we can just keep ‘getting up’ or feeling guilty and terrible about ourselves when we have nothing left in us and simply can’t ‘get up’. Why do we believe we have to keep punishing ourselves and pushing so hard against the odds?

The Cambridge Dictionary gives the definition of resilience as: ‘the ability to be happy, successful, etc. again after something difficult or bad has happened’.

This definition sits softer with me. It feels like there is no urgency - it seems to allow for vulnerability, reflection and growth. It has a feel of coming back bigger and better, but in a considered way rather than a forced or expected way. In a way that gives you the ok to stop for a while and allows you to fully consolidate the difficult things that have happened.

We are so busy rushing and grinding and hustling and pushing and expecting and judging and criticising and trying to prove ourselves, that we just don’t give ourselves the space to breathe. We deserve that! We owe it to ourselves to have self-compassion and self-kindness.

Sometimes we don’t have a choice in the moment and we have to get back up no matter what, but we do have a choice to reflect after the fact. We do have the choice to stop and get our breath back, and to consider how this event might shape us moving forward.

Let’s look at that age-old saying 'get back on your bike!'

Sometimes that’s exactly what we need to do - but not always.

When I was a kid learning to ride, my dad used to hold the seat while I balanced and if I fell off he said 'get back on'. In that context, 'the bike' and the whole getting back on it had some real merit. Aren't we all glad that somebody did say that to us?

I’ve been on so many pushbike adventures and had I not been encouraged to ‘get back on’ I would’ve missed out on all that magic.

However what about in the metaphorical sense? Why is it we sometimes don't want to get back up or back on?

Is it because we have self doubt? Is it because it's too hard and we’re just too lazy to keep trying? Or is it because we are simply on the wrong bike?

I don't know about you, but this has definitely happened to me. Relationships is the first thing that comes to mind! I’ve also tried to work in a government job and was greeted with so much resistance when I declared it wasn’t for me. ‘Just be resilient’ I was told, and ‘this is great for building resilience’.

Then comes the internal barrage of rationale:

• What if we keep getting back on the bike too quickly and we never reflect long enough to learn why we fell off?

• Although we do need to keep getting back on to practise so we get better

• And we shouldn’t stay off the bike long enough that we give fear the opportunity to put us off totally

• But what if we are on the wrong bike altogether?

Indeed, what if we are actually on the wrong bike? What if we’ve outgrown that trusty little trike?

Is the bike you’re continually trying to ‘get back on’ dodgy and wobbly or do the wheels seem buckled or does the chain seem clunky? If so, why?

Are you trying to prove something to somebody? Are you trying to meet somebody else's needs, or unrealistic expectations? Are you battling the dreaded 'I should'?

What if the whole while you’ve been riding the wrong bike, the right bike is leaning against the wall out in the shed gathering dust, or even worse, rust?

What would be the harm in stopping for a short time just to reflect and consider the possibility of another bike?

What if that other bike was so much easier to ride but you'll never know because you keep crashing and getting frustrated with the dodgy one?

The next time things are so bloody hard and you feel like you don't have anymore to give, ask yourself 'am I actually on the right bike?’.

Maybe the dragster is way more your style than the BMX. Maybe it's time to give yourself a break, start from scratch, and get yourself a brand new bike. 

That’s what I’m doing and it feels great!

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast

What colour are your wings?

By Kerryn Vaughan

11th July 2020

When was the last time you took the time out to soul search and ask yourself if now’s a good time for some deep, even confronting growth? If you’re anything like me you’ll say it was years ago, maybe even never!

I spend a lot of time reflecting on things and like to grow as a result, but there’s something much deeper and darker about getting right down deep into our soul.

For years I’ve been doing amazing things and I feel so honoured to have been able to make a difference in so many lives. But despite my long list of achievements, something was missing.

I have finally landed myself in an incredible relationship where I can breathe in my own space, without the need to succumb to the expectations of somebody else. I know and appreciate how extremely lucky I am to be in this situation, and while it shouldn’t be, it is rare.

But with this ‘perfect’ situation came a nagging sense of frustration. Not because of the situation itself, but because I had the space to truly contemplate on a much deeper level. I started noticing that my spark was going out and I was constantly feeling like I was pushing a heavy weight up a hill - actually a mountain!

Why was I so grumpy when I was making so much incredible change?

I have, on many occasions in the past, sought advice from individuals on specific topics they were skilled in. This was always informal and wonderful, but in recent months I knew deep down I needed to find someone who could assist in a more holistic, yet targeted way.

Finally I found a gorgeous lady from Colorado Springs - Sam Horn. Now this ‘formal investment’ didn’t come cheap so this was a really hard decision, especially in the current economic climate. As the days drew closer to meeting with her, I felt a sense of excitement that for the first time ever I’d be clear on how I would bring all my projects under one umbrella, powerfully brand myself, and onward and upward I would go.

She was intuitively brilliant and had everything nailed and planned by the time our hour was up. I was blown away by her and still am. What a powerhouse! I set about doing the things she suggested and was bouncing with excitement at the prospect of launching the amazing program we planned - one that would give leaders a unique opportunity to make a difference. Woohoo I was back. There it was. All I needed was some clarity.

Insert record scratch here… Not the DJ mixer dance type - no, the one where the cat jumped into the record player and the whole damn thing fell off its flimsy retro legs!

It only took a couple of weeks for those nagging thoughts to come creeping back in:

Who has any money at the moment to pay for this program?

Nobody wants to add more time into their day by changing the world - after all, we’re all too busy, right?

No corporation will pay big bucks for me to facilitate a unique program specifically designed to engage their staff - despite the massive cost of disengagement

Then the personal stuff reared it’s ugly head too:

Maybe I’m not good enough

Maybe I don’t know enough

Who am I to do this?

Will people think I’m a fake?

Who would want to listen to me?

And on and on the internal resistance went…

It didn’t take me long to realise the problem was with me. Not my knowledge or skills, but my belief system which needed a complete reboot. To be honest, this wasn’t the first time in my life I’d been deterred by similar thoughts. It’s actually a regular thing, and if we’re all honest, we all fall victim to this. But this time was different. I was so chronically tired of pushing so hard against these thoughts. I needed to do something differently.

Admitting this doesn’t come easy and for me I’m greeted with an ugly sense of shame. I successfully mentor so many others, so to admit I was falling would make me look like I didn’t know what I was doing. At least that’s what I was afraid of. 

Those who trusted me would no longer trust me

Those who admired me would no longer admire me

Those who believed in me would no longer believe in me

Those who were inspired by me would no longer be inspired by me

You get the picture…

But the exhaustion of constantly pushing had become too much. I had to wave the white flag and surrender to the nagging of despair, hoping my tribe, or a new one, would greet me on the other side. So began several days of serious contemplation.

I strongly believe, and have seen it happen over and over, that when you put something out to the universe, it answers. As well as Sam, there is another wonderful woman this world is blessed to have - Janet Hogan. I have known Janet for many years as I featured her amazing daughter, Clover in my book ‘Magnificent Kids!’. 

I knew Janet had a program called The 5th Door, but had never been specifically drawn to it - until now. Janet’s 5th Door appeared on my LinkedIn timeline and I was overwhelmed with tears. They do say ‘when the student is ready the teacher will appear’. I reached out and began the process of working with Janet through her program.

As I write this, we are only 5 days into a 19 day program, and already this is one of the most powerful things I’ve ever done. In just a few short days I have shed my pride (not the good type - but the type you need to swallow) and have uncovered my core need - ‘self worth’. It now makes sense to me why I’ve never been comfortable with charging an appropriate amount of money for my services, despite the fact that what I offer is hugely impactful.

The evidence of my success is everywhere, and people tell me on a daily basis. Not to mention the pile of testimonials I have. BUT, no amount of external praise or evidence will ever matter if you don’t believe it for yourself.

So with my core need identified, we then looked for that naughty little core destructive belief. Surprise surprise - mine is ‘I am not valuable’. Dang!! Blatantly obvious but completely under my radar.

Of course this ridiculous belief stems from a couple of ‘criticisms’ as a child that I perceived differently to how they were intended. One instance was of somebody who truly loves me merely trying to protect my feelings as a child, but I interpreted that as excluding me from the decision because I was not valuable enough to be included. Communication truly is about the interpretation of the receiver!

Now begins the process of bringing all these false beliefs into the light and loving them for what they are, and there’s a whole stack of fine tuning to be done. The program is so beautifully prescribed that you always feel completely safe and supported, and never left hanging. And obviously the process is much deeper than the tiny taste I’m sharing here.

We’re a long way from the finish line, but after the 19 days I anticipate having a whole new readiness to take on the world with passion and purpose, and I can’t wait. Already I have a sense of how that might look, but I suspect the next leg of my journey will look very different, and I will feel very different.

I also see now that I had been seriously blocking my flow, and that I needed to invest in me to get the river flowing as it should.

I’m so glad I had the courage to swallow my pride, as now I’m beginning to find a new sense of peace and calm. I know I will emerge the beautiful butterfly I was always meant to be in the world, but this time I hope to see it for myself.

Are you ready to lay your weapons down, wave your white flag and surrender to the perfect emergence of your amazing self? I hope so, because the world needs what your soul brings.

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast

Carefree or careless?

By Kerryn Vaughan

31st May 2020 (first published on Girls With Hammers 5th October 2019)

I recently caught up with an old friend I hadn’t seen in several years. When I say ‘old’ friend she was actually much younger than me and during our few hours together I wondered if I had slept through some type of time-warped eclipse that seriously impacted generational behaviour. 

She had moved away some years ago to chase a career dream and set up home with her boyfriend who would soon become her husband. But the demands of city life had become too much for her self proclaimed ‘care-free spirit’, so the recent move back to the country and closer to her family seemed the obvious solution. Or maybe it was the easiest solution, and the one that allowed her to unapologetically live the life she felt was justified and that she was entitled to. More on that in a minute… 

We agreed to meet at a local park so the kids could play and run and burn some energy before we went for lunch. Great idea! How cute would this be? 3 little kids running around, arms outstretched pretending to be airplanes and asking me in their sweet little voices to push them on the swing.

I arrived slightly before her, and as the car she described in our messages turned into the park, I was excited to see her and the kids I had never met. It had been a long time and my memories were of her and I sharing a lot of jokes and laughter. Our catch up would be so wonderful.

Insert record scratch sound effect here!!!

Holy hell, was I wrong! I was certainly on some other kid-friendly planet while daydreaming about that. The doors flung open almost before the car had even stopped. 3 kids barrelled out and without caution or care, charged toward the playground. The two bigger ones (maybe 5 & 7) headed straight to the swings and proceeded to throw the little girl who was happily swinging and minding her own business, to the ground. She somehow picked herself up, without the swing, now loaded with one of the boys, hitting her in the head as she hastily made her escape crying her little heart out.

I just stood there with my mouth wide open, and the little girl’s mum wasn’t looking any better! I couldn’t believe what I just saw. As my old friend Amy (not her real name) waddled her way from the car to where I was standing, I noticed she was taking no notice of where her kids had gone. I greeted her with a long lost friend hug, then gently noted her boys had thrown a little girl off the swing. Her response - “oh well, she’ll get over it”.

Immediately my head was filled with conflicting thoughts of “do I just shut up as I don’t want to ruin this catch up, or do I say something that might cause a disagreement?”. Right or wrong, I chose to shut up.

We sat down to chat, and as we got further and further into conversation it became apparent that her disregard for others had become her lifestyle. She proudly stated several times that she doesn’t care what other people think of her, and how she has moved past people judging her, and that now she is living the carefree life and loving every moment of everything. 

Without knowing all the facts, I was fairly confident I was observing the expression of ‘I’ve been hurt badly and I’m going to do anything I can to keep people at arms length and I will behave any way I want, they can like it or lump it because I don’t want them near me anyway!’. So naturally my empathy took over and I ‘tolerated’ what I was hearing and seeing. Mind you I wasn’t so impressed with the older boy continually running past me, smacking me in the back of the head every single time!

She tried to sell her lifestyle as happy and carefree, and not entangled in all the drama that her other friends have to deal with. I wasn’t convinced, as there was a hint of resentment in her tone.

Then there it was - bamm!! The whole story about how her husband cheated on her with his accountant and how they were thieves and how she should have known he was an arse. The story finished with “but I couldn’t care less - good riddance to the idiot. My life is so great now and I can do whatever I like”.

Feeling slightly sorry for her, and at least having some understanding of the ‘everyone can get stuffed’ behaviour, I felt thankful I hadn’t given her a mouthful about the swing incident.

After a couple of hours (and for the record those kids did NOT drop to a lower level of energy) we went to a cafe for lunch. The kids were again ‘set free’ and annoyed the hell out of many people trying to enjoy a quiet lunch. I few times I dropped little comments like “I don’t think that lady over there likes the kids under her table” and “Oh god I hope we don’t get kicked out” and “We can just grab fish ’n chips and take them back to the park maybe?”. But all to no avail. She would either just laugh or make a dismissive comment along the lines of “who cares”. 

She made it clear that she believes it’s a free world and people can go and eat somewhere else if they don’t like the way her kids are behaving. I was literally stuck - I didn’t want to spend these few hours in a full on debate about how to be respectful. I didn’t know her full story, I didn’t know if the kids had autism or ADHD or anything else that could be contributing. I felt I wasn’t in a position to speak up, but minute by minute I was becoming more and more conflicted and churned up inside, and down right peeved off.

Amy told me about how her car had broken down and the nice car she was driving was actually her mum’s. She commandeered it 3 weeks ago, and despite her mum now being left without a car, she had no intention of returning it just yet as she couldn’t afford to get hers fixed. This comment came only minutes after telling me that she had just been to a concert with front row tickets. 

Actually that’s a lie, her tickets were several rows back on the floor but thanks to her new found confidence and attitude, she had taken herself to the front once the concert started, with no qualms about standing in front of others who had paid a premium price. Regardless, if you can afford concert tickets you can do something toward helping your mum get her car back. I became quite annoyed at this.

Then she proceeded to tell me she was going clothes shopping that afternoon but felt a bit guilty because she was supposed to be taking care of her sister’s dog while she was away for a week. Never mind, the dog would only miss food for one day. What the hell??!!

When our food arrived, she asked the kids to sit down and eat their lunch. Now let’s be clear about something here - she ASKED the kids if they would mind sitting. Maybe I’m a little old school when I take kids out for lunch, but I expect kids to behave in public. I don’t mean that they can’t speak, or play, or have fun like all kids should - I simply mean to have good manners and show respect for others. Inconsiderate behaviour is not my favourite thing.

So the next 5 minutes went like this:

Amy: Braydon, would you like to do a favour for mummy and sit down and eat your lunch?

Braydon: ignore mum

Amy: Braydon, mummy would like you to be a good boy

Braydon: ignore mum

Amy: Bray Bray, mummy’s going to cry if you make her sad

Braydon: ignore mum

Amy: Oh well, I tried

Kerryn: (in my mind) no you didn’t…

This exact thing was then repeated with the next child and again to no avail. At least the littlest one seemed hungry enough to run to the table to eat, but not before screaming past an elderly man and whacking him on the back as she flew past.

Oh, the other two did come to get their lunch, but in bursts, grabbing handfuls as they ran past doing laps of the cafe.

Finally I did speak up. I couldn’t stand it anymore. But only after one of the kids broke my golden rule - he stuck his finger in the sauce on my plate! That was it for me and my blood boiled over and started seeping out of my mouth.

“You know” I said. “I think you should put more effort into being a better role model for your kids. I can see you’re hurting or at least that you feel you have suffered some injustices, but I think the kids need to see your strength more than your weakness, and they certainly need clear boundaries to become happy functioning adults.”

OK, so that didn’t go down so well, and she certainly wasn’t impressed that I was ‘judging’ her, despite the fact that she told me earlier in the day that she has ‘moved past people judging her’. Hmmm…

Very abruptly she noted it was time to go as she had to do other things, and off she went in mum’s new shiny car…

I’m glad I chose to shut up at the park, because by waiting I now had a whole list of evidence that at least made me feel my case was valid. Had I spoken up right at the start, no doubt she would have completely dismissed my comments, and me, and the whole thing would have been lose/lose. I still don’t know if she’ll ever re-think how she is behaving, but at least she now has my words in her head.

By the way, I know she won’t be reading this as she ‘has no time for that rubbish!’. Don’t worry, I heard several times during our get together that I was ‘mad’, ‘crazy’, ‘ridiculous’, and many more things that may leave some feeling rather fragile. I was left thinking "wow if I didn't have the self-love and self-esteem that I do have, she may well have sent me down the big black hole of doubt, and I may never have come out!"

Which is the perfect segue to my point - careless is not the same as carefree, and a supposed carefree life does not give you the right to carelessly trash other people. It’s actually reckless. You can’t impact others or dismiss or disregard or be inconsiderate or disrespectful toward others, simply to fulfill your mission of being your definition of ‘carefree’.

The definition of ‘carefree’ claims to be ‘free from anxiety or responsibility’. The anxiety part is great, but as an adult there are responsibilities that just are. You can’t avoid them. 

However, you can avoid getting tangled up in other people’s drama, and you can avoid being persuaded by the negative opinions of others. You can also become so self-empowered that you are able to make choices and live a relatively carefree life, without impacting others. Particularly not oozing your carelessness all over the place and causing grief to others.

Behaving like an ‘oozer’ doesn’t make you cool, it makes you an inconsiderate prick that strong people (people who would normally be great to hang with), will do anything to avoid. It’s so easy to be kind, considerate, responsible and respectful, while at the same time being empowered enough to live a life as close as possible to how you want it to be. Call it ‘carefree’ if you will.

Despite me touting this as the empowered one, somehow I must have allowed Amy to ‘ooze’ into my sub-conscious because that night I had a dream about needing to go to the toilet. Beside the toilet was an over-flow bucket because sometimes the toilet didn’t flush. But no, in my dream Amy brazenly came up and let it go in the over-flow bucket. I told her she shouldn’t use that and she said “I couldn’t care less” and disappeared from view. 

So she did manage to infiltrate my mind, but thankfully I woke up very soon after and avoided literally using the dysfunctional ‘dream’ toilet. I’m sure I’m not the only one who is confronted with dodgy toilets in their dreams!

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast